Sharing my Story... long rant, sorry!

[amrinae]

Hi all, I'm new here and my situation is unique because I'm a survivor of CI and my partner is too. Unfortunately my partner, A, doesn't realize that his relationship with his mom is abnormal. He is 28 and I'm 27 and we've been together 11 years; we were childhood sweethearts. But his mom is RUINING my life!!

A's dad was abusive and emotionally absent so his mom was in this lonely, loveless marriage and turned to her son for support and love, made him into her confidant, and basically made him into her surrogate husband. A's older sister has always felt left out and that their mom loves A more than she loves her. A and his mom slept in the same room and bed till he was in his early 20s and finished college... only stopped when A and I moved in together.

This is the hard part... she's not even mean to me or anything. She's SO FREAKING NICE... she was afraid she'd lose her son to me so instead she just pulled me into their little relationship and now she insists that the three of us are a 'team' and that we have no secrets from each other. She is resentful of anyone A or I are close to, and she insists on spending every free moment with us. Now that her relationship with her husband is better, when he's not working she hardly calls us, but once he leaves on a business trip she HAS to spend EVERY DAY with us and A just puts up with it.

Some of the things she does to annoy me:
1. They are always touching each other's faces, stroking hair, playing with fingers, etc.
2. She ALWAYS says that the two of us are the BEST thing in her life and she would spend EVERY SECOND with us if she could and being with us makes her the happiest ever and we are the highlight of her day and she's so excited about seeing us she feels like jumping.
3. She picks us up, drops us off, does things for us... all to make herself needed.
4. She has NO LIFE except for us and her husband when he's home.

The latest thing... A and I had an argument today (the argument was that he didn't want to have lunch with my parents 'cause he claims my dad doesn't like him... but that's never stopped him from hanging out with my parents before... but today, his dad's away and his mom's lonely so he uses my dad as an excuse). Anyway we had an argument and now he's gone off to spend the night with his mom.

It pisses me off so much. It's like he's having an affair with her. And SHE is SO FREAKIN HAPPY that he is over tonight and she's THRILLED that he's with her. She just wants him to spend every moment with her. It affects all aspects of his life... we have trouble with intimacy and sex... he used to tell her ALL about our sex life... and he's holding himself back in his work and social life so that he can keep himself available for her... worst is he doesn't realize any of this is happening. And if she does realize it, she's not telling because she gets to have her precious little boy with her.

And by the way it's driving me NUTS thinking of whether he's sleeping in the same bed as her right now. HE'S 28!!! Sheesh!!

Sorry for the long post and rant but my blood's boiling!! Any advice would be GREAT... I really want to make it work because aside from this, we both love each other deeply, and he's said many times that he feels I'm his first priority but I know he feels guilty about this.

I read this forum with tears rolling down my cheeks and I realized what pain people go through when parents can't just let their children grow into adults. I feel that A's mom raised her child to be HER companion, not anyone else's. I feel so lost and alone, and any help would be really, really, appreciated!

Thank you!

[meesh617]

I know exactly how you feel. It just gives you that horrible icky feeling in your stomach knowing how happy she is about your husband giving her what she wants. I don't know about you, but I feel like this whole thing is turning me into a horrible person. I've always been a laid back person and forgave people very easily....sometimes too easily....but since my MIL has come into my life I feel like this hateful and spiteful person. I enjoy it way too much when my husband actually stands up to her and really upsets her.....and I feel like throwing myself on the ground kicking and screaming everytime she gloats about getting her way.

Parts of my situation seem pretty similar to yours....I have my novel of a story posted under a different thread...I think the title is "why am I always the bad guy" or something like that.....so I won't go into the whole thing again....but I will tell you there are some major similarities.
My MIL also "adores" me. She talks me up like crazy in front of anyone....and especially to my husband. Whenever I got fed up and said something bad about her he always jumped to her defense and told me how much she loves me. I know it's all an act though....because just like you said....she didn't want to lose her son to me so she pulled me in. I don't know if you feel like your MIL secretly hates you....but mine definitely does.

My MIL also knows way too much about my sex life with my husband. We met when we were 18 at Mardi Gras in New Orleans...where he's from. We had a long distance relationship and I moved down there for the summer and lived with his family and it was extremely strange. They talked way too openly about sex. His mom would actually come into his bedroom when we were completely naked with nothing but a sheet covering us.....and she would come in and sit on the bed and carry out a full conversation with us. This happened on a daily basis. I knew then that it was weird and I was a little uncomfortable with it, but then again I was 18 and allowed to freely sleep with my boyfriend in his house without sneaking around so I didn't really care.
I also remember her coming home one night and sitting with my now husband and I and some of our friends.....and she told us all about how she cheated on her husband that night.....in full detail. I always found it so strange that my husband was never embarassed by her. Most 18 yr old boys would tell their mom that they don't need to hear those details and that it's especially not ok to share that stuff in front of their friends. But he let her. He always let her. I have always been so embarassed for him, but it never seemed to phase him.

My husband ended up moving up here at the end of that summer because....go figure....I got pregnant. We got married and have two kids now and things have just gotten worse in the MIL department. Thankfully she is a thousand miles away, but I feel like she lives next door. I know she has this vision of her and my husband and my two kids being a happy little family. I don't know how many times I have cought her "accidentally" calling herself mommy to my kids and telling my husband how they look like a mixture of him and herself.
There's a lot more that goes along with my situation.....my MIL isn't just needy....she is completely mentally unstable and is a huge pill popper and compulsive liar. Also it just came out that my husband has a sex addiction due to the way she raised him. At an extremely early age he learned to take out all of his frustration, anger, embarassment and rage in a sexual way because no one can talk back to his mom.
I can't believe that I have been with him for almost seven years and never knew he had a sex addiction. But it all finally makes sense. All those times that I couldn't believe he wasn't embarassed, he was just programed to supress it and take it out in by porn and masturbation.
I'm not saying that your husband has a sex addiction and I don't want to put bad thoughts in your head by any means, but I was completely blindsided by it so feel like I should just tell you it may be something to look out for because it's a very common side affect of emotional incest. When you said he has trouble with intimacy and sex it just sounded so much like my relationship.
So now that I've scared you, I'd also like to tell you that my husband and I are doing great....actually in a way I am able to look at his addiction as a hidden blessing. I know that sounds crazy, but he hit his rock bottom when he realized all of this. It was like a flood of reality rushed over him and he felt free to be completely open with me and he finally learned what intimacy was. It wasn't until all of this blew up that he really truely loved me. When you are raised with covert incest some people put them selves in this fantasy world and never really learn true love or intimacy until they are pulled out of the fantasy. My husband finally felt how hurt I was by his relationship by his mother....and also realized how much she had been hurting him all these years.....and he just cut her out of his life. She is definitely not accepting it gracefully.....but he now knows that this is what he needs to do for himself and for his family and he is ok with sacrificing his relationship with her to built a great one with me.

I only wish now I could tell you how to make your husband come to the same realization. I think a great first step would be to get the book "silently seduced: When parents make their children partners. Understanding covert incest" by Kenneth M. Adams. If he's open to it I think you guys should read it together. That's what my husband and I did and we have about half of the book highlighted and underlined. It's really made a difference. If he reads it, he may find stuff in there that he can completely relate to and never realized how wrong it is. Marriage counseling can be helpful too, but until he realizes that there is a huge problem with his relationship with his mom, then a therapist most likely won't drag it out of him.....at least it didn't come out in my experience. It was that book that made the difference.
Anyways, I hope this was somewhat helpful to you. I know how lonely it feels when you don't have anyone to talk to who is in the same situation. I hope it all works out for you and if you need someone to talk to or just to vent to let me know!

[amrinae]

(Another long post, but I have so much to get off my chest!!)

Meesh, thank you so much for sharing and understanding. I read your post ‘Why Am I Always The Bad Person’ and yes, your story and mine are remarkably similar... my FMIL DOES talk me up in front of everyone and I DO end up feeling like the worst person in the world because it feels just ungrateful to have such animosity towards someone who's always so sweet and apparently loves me 'like a daughter'. To make things worst my partner tells me that I'm being cold-hearted, selfish, and insecure about his mom and that I need to make an effort... and tells his mom that I'm 'just not on the same page' about how she feels about me.

We have never encountered a situation when she was in the room with us when we were in bed... but my partner actually put off a healthy sex life with me for a LONG time and we would do 'everything but' until we were 24! He was just trying to delay becoming a man. And then whenever we would have sex and if we met her the next morning he would be like "_(my name)_ and I had sex last night" in a way that he pretended he was just teasing and joking with me. There was this drunken video once of me that had us groping each other when we were in college and he went and showed it to his mom... and that made me feel so violated and he thought I was just being a prude. When she wants to go to the bathrooom and he's there (only when he's there and I'm there... never with me alone and never with others) she goes "I want to go potty / wee-wee." This baby talk makes me feel like she's stuck in a childhood and wants him to be stuck there with her as playmates or something, and is threatened by anything that will make him a man.

We have been together 11 years and neither of us felt ready for marriage until a very short time ago when we started talking seriously about it. It was just this inability to grow up. I understand it because my parents were the same. I never suffered CI at the hands of my dad to that extent... but he always guilted my sister and me into things, and my mom would just TOTALLY push all her feelings onto us when we were kids and make us feel totally responsible for her. I have a problem in this area too, but I cut off totally from my parents about 2 years ago and had some time to heal, and only recently began to have contact with them again. My parents are slowly coming to realize that I'm my own person and I am aware of the problem, so I take extra care with them.

My partner on the other hand seems blissfully unaware that there is an issue. Although, I KNOW that he wants better because there are things he says and does that show me that he wants a better life. He wants to make more friends, where before he never made any friends who he could not have his mom hang out with too. He has ONE male friend who hangs out with him and he's practically family so his mom feels comfortable hanging out with them. But nobody else right now. It's like he's keeping his life vacant from social and professional ties with anything/anybody else so that he's always available for his mom.

He would make sure he took her out for Mothers' Day, birthdays, etc and bought her gifts... but until last year he did nothing much at all for my birthday... there were 2 years in our 11 years together he's bought me a birthday gift and ONCE he bought me Valentine's Day flowers.

The worst was when she was thinking of leaving her husband and 'getting a place together, all three of us'. And he was totally okay with it because he said 'I have my mom and my girlfriend, what more could I want'?

I don't think she totally hates me in that sense... we have a fair bit in common and if not for my partner, we can talk about many things and laugh together. But her relationship with him is ruling his relationship with me. And therefore, ruining my relationship with her.

After yesterday's argument, he's been sleeping over at her place... and he is again today. When I saw him briefly today he said to me "I have my family and you have yours, and there's nothing else here." When he comes back and things get more civil I plan on bringing this up.

I wish he would just be open to working out our problems together as a team, and not go running to mom every time something goes wrong. And the 'team' consists of him and me, NOT him, me, and her. It will be very difficult for him to accept that the woman he's considered his major influence was actually being emotionally abusive... and in many ways she's right-out manipulative... she uses emotional blackmail on him by looking all sad and I can see it... he can't, obviously!!

I don't even know how to begin telling him all this. We are reaching our 11th year together and I'm going to give it till our anniversary and then call it quits. I can't live like this any longer, and I can't stand to see the man I love debilitated like this... it takes away my respect for him and I know he's capable of so much more. I'm not asking him to choose between his mom and me... in the first place, SHE made that choice for him when he was a child... and in the second place, the only choice he has is between an unhealthy way of life and a healthy way of life. Even if I'm not in his life, he would have numerous problems because of this... it's not like I'm the evil one causing trouble here. I’m sure you must have felt the same way with your husband.

Regarding the sex addiction issue... I have had my concerns about his sexual interests... he has always preferred objectifying me in sex and that leaves me feeling empty at times; I’ve spoken to him about it and things have gotten much better but still not so much. He also has had a longtime sexual fantasy - which to my embarrassment I fulfilled - a mock-breastfeeding fetish. It’s like he’s searching somewhere for REAL mothering, REAL unconditional love, but he can’t separate mothering from sexual love.

I really hope that our relationship will take a similar path to yours and that once he realizes the extent of her damage and how much he's hurting me, he will want to tackle the issue... and together. He's so scared of making himself a team and a family with me... I feel like I'm just a girl who fills in when his mom can't... and is there for the one thing she can't be there for... sex. I can honestly say that during a rough time he’s been having lately (unrelated to this issue) I have been there for him in every way and I know that nobody will love him the way I do... with all my heart.

How did you come to bring up the issue with your husband? Was he responsive at first? I’m so afraid of him just brushing the whole thing off and telling me not to bring it up again.

Thanks for sharing your own story, too. It gives me hope that a better and happier relationship is possible.

[meesh617]

There is sooo much involved in both of our situations.....and I guarantee both of us could talk for hours at a time on this topic.....so I'm going to try to comment back paragraph by paragraph to make it easier. Let's see if this works ~

First of all, my husband always said the same things to me! There is nothing worse than being called hateful by the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with!! My husband would always tell me how hateful I was being and asked me why I can't ever forgive her for anything and say that at least his mom was making an effort with me. Ugh! I could scream. It killed me that he viewed me as such a horrible person.....and then to top it off, pretty much tell me that his mom was better than me even though she was always the one doing all these horrible things to our family.

And that's really strange that your partner putting off sex for so long. I remember reading something in one of my like 5 books that I am reading right now about how some guys in that situation don't have sex because they don't want to ruin the fantasy they have....or something along those lines. My husband is in a 12 step program for sex addicts and at his last meeting he was told that when you are raised like that and form a sex addiction that your maturity in that sense doesn't grow past the age of ten. If you were to let your mind expand as you age, then you would have to admit that this fantasy world that you created was just a fantasy and not real life. I don't know if that really applies to what we're talking about but I found it really interesting....And when you talk about your partner's mom being stuck in childhood.....that's the same thing as my MIL. My husband's grandmother would always say that my MIL lives life like "a little girl playing grown up". Which is so true.....but made to sound like it's cute....but it's soooo not cute!! My husband's entire family just constantly makes excuses for my MIL and she has always been given her way and been forgiven for the horrible things she's done without question. It drives me crazy. I don't understand how SO many people let her get away with this stuff. You really have to treat her like a child and discipline her when she is bad. I apparently am the only one who stands up to her. Then again I have only been around for 6 years.....they have been dealing with it for the last 50 years so they've probably just given up by now. But enough with that little rant
~ back to your situation....

It has to take a really strong person to be raised with the kind of pressure you had on you and be able to recognize it and deal with it. That's awesome that you were able to do that! It just shows that you have a strong sense of self.....which most people in that situation lose before they ever really find it. Hopefully with you having gone through a similar experience, your partner will really be able to open up to you once he realizes that his relationship with his mom is wrong. Your partner is obviously really deep in denial.....but I'd almost guarantee that he made comparisons to his relationship with his mom. He would never admit it to you because he isn't even ready to admit it to himself....but it's sitting in the back of his head.

That is so sad that your partner doesn't have friends because of this. And I bet he doesn't even see this as a problem. It's just heartbreaking that these kids are programed at such a young age to focus solely on the happiness of the parent. They are never even given the chance to learn how to take care of them selves. And what's even worse is that they are raised to believe that they are blessed with such a great parent that puts them up on a pedistol and gives them anything they want.....when in reality it never was about the child....the child simply exists to service the needs of the parent. That is a main reason why as adutls, they don't really know how to love....because they were never loved in a healthy way growing up. That's also why there is such a strong link between covert incest and sex addiction. Every kid plays make believe when they are little, but when you are raised with covert incest it goes so much farther than playing a game of house. Like I said before...These kids actually create their own fantasy world that they carry with them into adulthood because it is the only place where they feel safe and can take out all their rage towards the parent.....it becomes their only coping mechanism. Most kids are allowed to take out their anger verbally because healthy parents don't take it personally. With an enmeshed parent, the child is never allowed to have their own feelings. The child is in pain and seeks relief. In a lot of cases, the child figures out that sexual things feel good and that becomes the only thing that can make them feel better and the only way to take out their anger. When my husband came home from his first SA meeting he broke down into tears and just kept saying how he couldn't believe that he had been living in an alternate reality his entire life. He has lived his entire life in so much fear that his feelings weren't valid and that people wouldn't like him and he's just starting to learn now how to voice his feelings and take it out in a healthy way rather than turning to his fantasy world. He's still early in his 12 step process.....so he is still very worried about upsetting the person in the drive through window at McDonald's by making a special order...but luckily in my case I was able to show him unconditional love and understanding when this came out so he at least trusts me now to talk to me about his feelings. Anyways, as you can tell, I've been doing a lot of reading so I'm starting to sound a lot more like a therapist than anything else.....but it's been so helpful having so many books that can explain all of this to me. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from all of the information I've came across lately and I think it could be really helpful to you too. If you are thinking that there is a chance your partner may have a hidden sex addiction, you should read "don't call it love: recovery from sexual addiction" or "out of the shaddows" both by Patrick Carnes. They probably won't really answer your questions about how to address this with your partner, but it will give you a deep understanding of what he may be going through.....which in turn will give you the strength, compassion and understanding he will need from you when he does start to recognize the abuse he's suffered.

BTW, that totally struck a nerve when you talked about birthday gifts! It's the exact same thing with me. I would never get gifts for any occasion other than christmas.....but that was usually because he knew I would be getting him a gift on the same day and also because we usually use Christmas to get the expensive things we need and wouldn't buy on just a regular day....like a new camera or things along those lines. I actually hold the biggest grudge about the one birthday gift he did get me. 4 years ago he got me an Ipod. Sounds like a great gift......but that was when they were first starting to come out and I didn't really see the point in them. I always burned cd's of my favorite songs....I didn't need a $400 thing that held thousands of songs. I just thought they were really stupid. My husband wanted one really bad and I kept telling him how stupid I thought they were and that we couldn't afford to spend that kind of money on a toy like that when we had a new baby and were living in my mom's basement bc we couldn't afford our own place. But surprise surprise, my birthday comes around and he actually decides to get me a gift this year....and it's an F-ing Ipod. It was obviously for him and had nothing to do with me. By the next day it had all of his music on there.....like the obnoxious hard rock screaming at the top of their lungs type music that I hate. To this day I only have 2 playlists with about 15 songs each on that thing.....the rest is all his. After a few months of having it he didn't even pretend that it was mine anymore. He bought himself a gift for my birthday. Sorry about that rant....I'm still a little bitter about that one ~

Anyways, after reading what you said about learning to work as a team, I'm thinking that couple counseling may be a good first step for you. That's where my husband and I started. It didn't bring out many of the covert incest issues....and none of the sex addiction issues.....but it did help us get along better. Until we started therapy we spent every single day fighting.....the more he defended his mom, the more I bashed her. It was a really ugle cycle. In our sessions though we were able to talk it out in a civil way. After a while he was able to admit that he agreed with everything I said about his mom, but he just felt like he had to protect her because she wasn't there to speak for herself. We spent about 5 months in therapy and by the end we didn't really have anything to talk about anymore. It didn't even come close to fixing the way he was with his mom.....but it did teach us to be able to talk openly to eachother about it. If you guys can do counseling and get to that point, I think it would make a huge difference when you address the incest issues.

You totally hit the nail on the head when you said that he can't distinguish mothering from sexual love. It's because his mother pushed herself into his intimate space....which is only meant for him and you. It's a really sad thing, but he doesn't know how to love because the only love he got as a child was conditional. I was completely used as a sex object as well and it sucks!! There is no intimacy involved because this fantasy world has tought them to believe that sex is love. It's so messed up.

I know how much it sucks to feel like your partner doesn't care that you are hurt. My husband recently admitted to me that it never used to hurt him when I was hurt, or make him happy when I was happy. It's a really hard thing to deal with, but you have to realize that they don't mean to do it. They don't know how to sincerely care for other people.....other than that parent.....and in most cases it's not even love they feel for the parent.....it's guilt and obligation....but they are told it's love and that's what they believe.

When I brought all of this up to my husbad it was at a breaking point and I was very blunt. At that point I didn't care what I said or how much it hurt him or his precious mommy. He came home from work one day and I was sitting at the computer looking this stuff up. He walked in and I told him that I am not crazy.....that his relationship with his mom had an actual diagnosis....that it was an actual thing. The word incest of course never has the chance of getting a calm response. I'm pretty sure he just got frustrated with me and dropped the subject. I ordered 3 books on the issue and started reading and highlighting like crazy. He didn't start reading them right away.....but after a while he picked up a book and read bits and pieces. Of course I tried to get him to cut his mom out of his life at that point.....which obviously didn't work.....but I was able to convince him to go to a therapist. He started going by himself at first because I don't think he was comfortable with me there. After a few weeks I was brought in.....and you know how it went from there. And he didn't really face the problem until his sex addiction came out and he realized the horrible effects his relationship with his mom had on him.

It was almost a 2 year process from the time we discovered covert incest until the time he did something about it....but it was worth the wait. I think the best way for you to start is by reading up on the issue.....Gain a full understanding of all of the possibly underlying issues.....and then calmly try to address it. You just have to try your best to be calm and open about it so he doesn't feel like he's being attacked or judged. It may take several attempts....and you may get a little more in his head each time before he freaks out and runs to his mom. He won't be able to completely brush it off though. It's still going to sit in his head and the more information you are able to get across to him, the easier it will be for him to open up to it. I have indirectly used the ultimatum thing so many times.....and if you are serious about ending the relationship if he doesn't change....that may be your only way. I wouldn't do it to an extreme by saying if he doesn't change his relationship with his mom you are going to leave......but something like 'can you please at least read this book. If you don't connect a single thing then I'll drop it, but if you do we either try to work this out together or it's over because I can't live like this anymore' but in more sincere words.....
That's all I can think to do right now....
By this point I have probably taken up your entire day.....once I get started on this topic I can't stop. haha. But I hope it helps a little....

[amrinae]

Thanks again... I appreciate that you took the time to reply to such a long post, and I totally understand how you can't stop once you get started! I find it amazing that you have the strength to support your husband through issues that are hurting you just as much as they're hurting him.

Your way of handling the situation sounds good; I would definitely have tried that if it was one week ago... unfortunately ever since our argument on Sunday he's been spending every night at his mom's house, and thinks she's 'there for him'... actually, he's the one there for her... she's using him to keep her company since her husband's out of town. When his dad gets back, he'll be expected to stop staying over at their place.

Anyways... he came home this morning (it's Tuesday morning where I live, btw) and when I asked him if we could talk about it, he just said that he's realized many things about the kind of person that I am, and it's not worth it for him to deal with it any longer and he doesn't really care either way what happens to me... basically, that I'm out of his life. There are two things at work here:
1. This is his way of working when he's angry. He sulks and pouts for a few days and says things he doesn't mean, then it gets back to normal.
2. I don't know WHAT that mom of his has been telling him over these 2 days. I'm sure she pretended to be all fair and nonjudgemental but she must be secretly pleased that I'm no longer important enough to be her competition.

I don't know what's going to happen... I plan on living my life as normal as possible and then if my reasonable attempts to talk it out are shot down, I'll make arrangements to move out of here. But I'll definitely bring up the emotional incest issue before that. I don't really have a plan even for tomorrow at this stage... just living life a day at a time. If he doesn't even want to talk and is convinced that he now 'knows what I'm really like' and doesn't want to have anything to do with me, then what's the point of me trying to work out the emotional issues?

You're fortunate that your husband saw you two as together enough to still work things out. I don't think my partner wants to even go that way... he's got a tendency to pull out when things start getting committed (which they were; we were talking of marriage and future plans very seriously) and it's also because of this.

Sorry I can't comment on anything you wrote in your post... just too depressed to think of the whole thing right now... I'll log on later when I can talk more about it.

[beluga]

I recommend to keep your cool arminae, no point in loosing it...he's just brainwashed...

[meesh617]

I totally understand. Everything about these situations is emotionally exhausting. But I think you'll be fine. You're being smart about it. A lot of people become codependent and completely lose themselves in it all.
And as far as the way your partner is treating you....I'm pretty sure he's aware of what he's doing and know's that he's putting the blame in the wrong place....but he can't control it and it's probably driving him crazy. He was trained to never have anger towards his mom.....so he takes it out on the person closest to him....and that's you. That's my opinion anyway based on the things my husband admitted to me after he started to come out of denial.
To be honest my husband and I both agreed that we would have split a long time ago had it not been for the kids. We were stuck together so he was forced to try to work things out with me. I'm not quite sure how it would have gone if there weren't kids involved. But I know it is possible to work through this even in the toughest situations...

If you do bring this up and he has a bad reaction....and you do end up moving out and on with your life....He's going to realize that his anger and problems are still there and that it wasn't you doing this to him. It may take that for him to look into the whole covert incest thing. I'm not saying that you should leave as a manipulation tactic....we all know how deadly playing games in a relationship can be....but just do what's best for you. If you do end up moving on without him and he does realize that he's been brainwashed by his mom and comes running back to you....then that's great! At that point it will be up to you if you want to give it another try. If he doesn't, then you'll know that you made the right decision for yourself. I know that's a really hard thing to think about....especially after being with him for 11 years.....but things will work out the way they are supposed to.
Everything about this type of situation is really sad and unfair. And unfortunately the real victim is the partner of the survivor. I wish I had more answers or advice for you. I kind of want to buy you a puppy and a giant ice cream cone right now to make you feel better But I think you are doing things right. One day at a time. And just make sure to take care of yourself. And if you need someone to talk to through all of this I'll totally give you my phone number....just let me know!