Why Am I Always the Bad Person?

[jamersasu]

My story.....well I have been dating my fiancé for three years. We are both 30. When I first met his parent’s they where strange but I kept telling myself that they would get to know me better and things would get easier. My fiancée is an only child with a work-a-holic father who was rarely ever there when he was growing up. I could write a book on all the things that she has done to be offensive. One of the worst was when he broke his foot and she moved him out of our place and into a one bed hotel room less than 2 miles away. She was sleeping in bed with him during this time due to her so called bad back and assisting him in the bathroom. Yuck!! He has since told me that this behavior was wrong but she still defends that there is nothing wrong with this behavior. Am I wrong to feel sick to my stomach about this? My fiancé and I got into couples counseling after this incident. Is helps but then I don’t know if it helps me. I feel so alone in this. Part of me is angry that he won’t back away from them until they start respecting our boundaries.

We have had sit downs with both of his parents where they say that I am the problem because it should only be the three of them. She even got us kicked out of a restaurant once when she started screaming at him that he had to choose between me or her right there on the spot or she would disown him.

He had taken strides to stand up for me. Is it awful that I don’t feel that it is enough? He needs to set major boundaries with his parents and he is reluctant to do so on the fears that his parents may never talk to him again or he might loose his job because he works for the same company as his dad. We are getting married in five months and I am terrified. His mom states openly that she will not allow our wedding to take place. She actually asked if she could have our photographer take photographs of her family since she hasn’t seen them since their last relative’s death. She manipulates everyone. She always has some major illness where she runs off to the hospital where they diagnose her with a headache. Why can’t he just enforce the boundaries? Like if they can’t be supportive of our wedding then they shouldn’t go. If they can’t speak nicely about me then he should tell them that if they cant say something nice he would talk to them.
I’m tired of being the bad person. Why shouldn’t I have someone who care enough about me to stand up for me?

[tigerlily]

OMG JAMERS! When I read this I just wanted to reach out and hug you, tell you that you are not the bad guy, and beg you to postpone this wedding.

I have witnessed the same sick and toxic behavior in my husband and his family, and let me tell you after 9 years together, it has only gotten worse, not better! To the point that I am ready to leave. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get married until this issue is resolved, if it can be....I don't mean to sound negative, but your fiance has got to be able to set proper boundaries, not only for himself but for the two of you if anything is to ever change.

These people will go to any and every length they can to sabotage your relationship, trust me, she hasn't even gotten started. After you are married, she will try even harder.

We ask ourselves WHY? Why wont they say no to them? Why wont they stick up for themselves and for me? Why do they let them get away with such behavior? There are no answers to the why's, and they are like drug addicts or alcoholics in that they cant or wont see it no matter how we present it to them or beg for them to get help. This is what they grew up with and have been taught to believe is normal, but as you and I know, it is far from normal. They have to somehow realize that it is wrong and they have to make the decision to do something about it. Most often this type of enmeshment and co dependency requires intense psychotherapy.

Making him stay in a hotel room and sleeping in bed with him? Demanding that he choose between you and them? The constant attention getting from fake illnesses? And making threats? What would your fiance do if your family acted this way? I bet he would not stand for it. And I bet that he would not stand for anyone off the street talking or treating you the way they do either.

I have seen it all...my father in law does the illness thing. He even threatened me physically before we got married. And I still went thru with it even tho my husband to be never even batted an eye to defend me. But surely he would never put up with that same behavior from any other living being.

I have been going to counseling and Al Anon (my husband and his father are recovering addicts), and reading boundary books like 'Boundaries, Where You End And I Begin', as well as 'Co Dependent No More' (I am also co dependent), while he does nothing! He asks me not to give up on him, but only makes empty promises and excuses. He went to counseling twice...I finally told him that I was enforcing my boundaries and will no longer have anything to do with his family one on one. If there are other people involved, then it is up for dicussion. PERIOD! I will encourage him to spend time with them, but if they ask where I am, he can tell them that I had other plans, didn't want to come, or they can call me and ask me themselves.

You are very brave in having a one on one with them. But my counselor recently told me that it does no good to tell people what you dont like about them, they are happy being who they are. And just because I think they are manipulative, toxic, and controlling does not mean that they will run out and get help for it. They will just make me out to be the "BAD GUY", causing further turmoil and dismay. So, my boundaries are set, my husband knows my answer before he even asks (and should not even have to ask), and there is no dicussion about me spending time with them one on one. It is now BLACK AND WHITE!

And so now I have a "D" day...Oct 3rd. One year since we first saw the counselor. If he still has done nothing, I am leaving! I have already started applying for jobs in a different state and looking for apartments. I've even told him this, and nothing has lit a fire under him. Altho he will continue to profess his love for me and his intention of "doing" something, but I will not wait around forever.

I only tell you all of this because I see myself in you 9 years ago. And my heart pains for you. Please give this some thought, and if you EVER need to talk please email me personally at [e-mail]
I've been there, and it is miserable...I don't want to see you end up where I am now.

I am not a religious person, but there is a quote from the Bible that always sticks out at me, and I want to kick my husband everytime I hear it at a wedding...

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleve unto his wife: and they shall become one flesh."

*hugs*
Tiger

[amazed]

I'm with Tiger. There's nothing wrong with you. It's them. Do NOT marry this person. Like Tiger says, the mother is just getting warmed up. When you get married, or have kids, she will really pour it on.

[tigerlily]

Thanks Amazed!

[amazed]

Now I'm really AMAZED. We're both on at the same time! Woohoo! ;D

[tigerlily]

That's awesome! Can I ask where you are? I am in Montana...

[amazed]

I'm in Tennessee.

[jamersasu]

Thank all of you for your advice and support.
I don’t disagree with any of the comments one bit.

Update…... This weekend everything came up front and center. My MIL wrote a mean e-mail to my fiancée disowning him and telling him how much our wedding is hurting her, how it is "her" wedding and how she bad mouthed us to her friends (why she would do this and tell us I have no idea.). Then came the email from her friend canceling the shower she was giving us this month due his mother's remarks.

Well, we are not out of the woods by any means but I think my fiancée got his first taste of who his mother really is. He asked me randomly this weekend if this is how she has been treating me the entire time that we have been together. He apologized and said that he would do whatever it takes to protect me from them. It is still too early to tell if he is actually able to follow through on this or now that he sees what is going on or if he falls back into pretending that everything is ok.

[tigerlily]

Good luck Jamers,

I hope that your fiance can and will do what he says he will. And I hope that everything works out for the both of you. Just remember to enforce your boundaries not only with them but with him too.

Take care.
T

[newlywed]

Mar 30, 2009 11:13:06 GMT -8 jamersasu said:

T

Well, we are not out of the woods by any means but I think my fiancée got his first taste of who his mother really is. He asked me randomly this weekend if this is how she has been treating me the entire time that we have been together. He apologized and said that he would do whatever it takes to protect me from them. It is still too early to tell if he is actually able to follow through on this or now that he sees what is going on or if he falls back into pretending that everything is ok.

Good on your Fiance for finally taking your side. Yes, she WILL get worse after the wedding (my MIL did) but my husband got better. I guess being a husband was a revelation. For the first time, he told her that he would always chose ME not her.

I recommend two things that made me feel so much better about my situation, my decisions and my choices. First of all, I bought two books - Emotional Blackmail and Emotional Incest Syndrome. Both are great and revealed the true reasons behind my MIL's behaviour, and suggested strategies for dealing with it.

Secondly, I found motherinlawstories dot com forum. It has been a tremendous support. Before finding it, I honestly could not even entertain a thought of severing my contact with her...On the forum, I read about all those daughters in law 'cutting off" themselves from the toxic in-laws. What is even more interesting, many had husbands following suit, once they saw how sick their mothers really were. That forum can suggest so many brilliant strategies for dealing with overbearing MILs; reading stories of other people takes away the feeling that you are all alone. Good Luck!

[amazed]

Well, first of all, this is GREAT news, Jamers. If your fiance really starts to see his mother for what she is, you have a shot. I would just proceed with caution. Don't dismiss anything. Make sure that he is ALWAYS putting you first.

I do understand that your husband is scared. His job is on the line and this is not the time to be unemployed. He is going to have to sit down with them and have them stop.

By the way, I've been to that mother-in-law website, before. Never wrote anything, but read a lot of it. I just didn't think I fit in. MILs can be crazy, for sure, but I always feel that covert incest is something a bit different.

Does anyone know what I mean?

[jamersasu]

Since I last wrote on this forum my fiancée's mother is taking things to the next level. She calls or e-mails almost daily saying that our wedding is ruining her life, how my fiancé is a horrible son, she has disowned him (again), how this is her wedding (which is really sick), she has threatened to get him fired from his job, she is spreading awful rumors to her friends (who also work with my fiancée) and that I am the devil that is ruining their family. I luckily have had no contact with her. My fiancé hasn't returned any of her calls or e-mails. His dad left him a message saying that his mother was hurting and that my fiancé had to make this better. This feels like some alter universe…..do parents actually do this to their children? Can you even call someone who behaves this way a parent? This is more dramatic than most soap operas on television. I am not good at drama.

For me this weekend is the decision weekend. My fiancé has set his first ever boundary with his parents. I know this is just the beginning but it is a start. This weekend we are doing the tasting for our wedding and our therapist encouraged us to let them attend as long as they follow my fiancée's boundary that they are positive to us and positive about our wedding, no exceptions. At our last session she even had him do roll playing on enforcing the boundary based on things that his mother has done in the past. If they cannot behave this weekend than my fiancée is going to tell them that they are choosing not to be invited to our wedding by their behavior. Then if that happens this is the end of contact with his parents until both of his parents seek help and then if they do seek help and want to keep a relationship with us we would sit down with them and our therapist.

I have set my own ultimatum. Either he is going to stand up for me this weekend by enforcing the boundary he has set or I'm gone. He did give me the choice. He said that he would walk away from his parents and never go back. Where would that get us? If he can't set boundaries with them he will be running from them the rest of his life. I can't marry someone who runs away with his tail tucked between his legs.

I worry sometimes that I'm not strong enough to do this. I have so much anger towards his parents. How do you begin to even respect people that behave this way? The through of shaking hands with them is repulsive right now. How do I make it through this weekend? There is even the embarrassment that my parents will be there too and I can't imagine my parents standing by and letting his parents disrespect me in any way. I keep praying that my fiancée follows through with what he has to do. This has to be the most helpless feeling that I can't do anything to fix this. He had to do this and prove to me that he is going to take care of us. Please pray for me that I can have the strength to make it through this weekend. Sorry, long response.

[tigerlily]

Hang in there girl! Sounds like this weekend will be a big test, not only for your fiance, but for his parents. Try to just sit back and let him take care of things, and if any issues or drama arise, this will show you whether he can truly stand up to them, and whether they can adhere to his/your limitations on the relationship. I will be thinking about you, and crossing my fingers. Hopefully he will do what he has said he would. If not...stick to your guns, and do not stick around for it to get worse.

It is very sad that some parents behave this way. I really dont get her saying that this is her wedding? WTF is that? Well, it's just down right crazy talk, and if this isn't handled or addressed now...after the wedding, it will undoubtedly get worse. She will step up her game, trust me. She may even try to ruin the wedding and make a spectical of everything. These people are not in their right minds, and will go to unbelievable lengths to get what THEY want. I doubt that she will care if your parents are there or anyone else if she has the chance to manipulate her son. But if you just try to stay neutral, and do not react no matter what she does, then you cannot be the bad guy. Just sit back and let everyone do what they will, your parents included.

Good luck...T

[amazed]

Congratulations!

You are doing everything right. You have him in counseling with a great therapist who even has him role-playing. Your fiance, so far, is 100 percent behind you.

You have done everything that you are suppose to do. The reason you are a wreck is that you are afraid he won't do it. Please know that either way, you will find out now.

And yes, your future in-laws are nuts. Know that it is not you.

I am sending good vibes for this weekend. So far, BOTH of you are the grownups in this drama.

[meesh617]

I know exactly what you are going through. I have so much to say I could write a book. I have been going through the same thing for over 6 years and I'd like to give you a little bit of advice.
First of all, make sure you look really deeply into all of this and do a lot of research. If I had known in the beginning of my relationship with my husband what I know now, things would be a lot different.....
I'll try my best to keep my story short....
I met my husband during a trip down to New Orleans to visit a friend. We carried on a long distance relationship and a few months later I moved down there and got a job there for a summer. We were 19 years old and his mother let me stay with them. We had the freedom to do whatever we wanted so I never questioned my mother in laws odd behavior. I ended up pregnant a few months later and my now husband moved up here to be with me. That's when my mother in law started going crazy and started hating me. I over heard her calling me a pregnant dog to my husband, but she pretended to adore me in front of everyone else. I'm thinking her thought was to "...keep your enemies closer".
It started with small things like asking me if she could be in the delivery room with me when I had my son. I told her no, so she called my husband crying and asking him if she could. Of course he came back to me and couldn't understand why I wouldn't let her. This caused our first big fight over her. She of course ignored my wishes and flew up here 3 weeks before my son was born and refused to go home until he was born. I spent my last 3 weeks of pregnancy catering to her. I ended up getting so stressed out and throwing a fit to my husband and made him tell her she couldn't be at the hospital. I was in labor for 16 hours and she called my hospital room every half an hour. When she knew I was getting close she walked up to the hospital after being told not to. I was about to start pushing when a nurse walked in and said that she was trying to get into the room. Of course my husband had to leave my side to go talk to her. I have held resentment toward her and him ever since.
From there things only got worse. When my son was 6 months old we went down to New Orleans to visit. We let her watch the baby in the house while some of our friends and us were in the back yard. At one point we went in to check on them and my mother in law was messed up on pain pills and passed out on the bed with the baby sitting up next to her...no pillows or anything on the other side of him. We took the baby and gave him to our friends in another room and asked my mother in law to come outside so we could talk to her. She acted like a child. Of course my husband didn't say a word and I had to do all the reprimanding. The next day at Thanksgiving dinner she announced that her doctor called that morning....and she has Cancer. Of course she never did and months later told us that the cancer went away on it's own and the doctors couldn't explain it.
At another point she drugged my son with paregoric which she said is for teething. I had told her previously that I did not want to use anything until I talked to the doctor. She gave it to him anyway behind our backs. She told me however, that her and my husband decided to give it to him. My son took an 8 hour nap that day and was severly constipated for 2 weeks. When I asked the doctor about it they said they would never prescribe that to a child. It contains opium and is for severe diahrrea. She also tried to stop our wedding by withholding my husband's baptismal record. Luckily I was able to clear things up with the church and they sent me a copy. She messed with my husband's bank account that he had left open in new Orleans. That ended up ruining his credit and prevented us from getting a house. I could go on forever listing the things she has done.
Things continued to get worse. She was calling several times a day and visiting frequently without invitation. She made several fake suicide attempts in order to guilt my husband into giving her her way. She was constantly picking fights between my husband and I. And he was constantly chosing her side over mine. Finally I started looking online and found out about Covert incest. We bought a few books and both read them. He started to understand a little bit. It wasn't until it came out that his mom had stolen over 30 thousand dollars from his grandmother that my husband was able to get a little angry with her. Even at that point it was very hard for him. He had to write out a script and practice it over and over before he could call her and tell her he was mad at her and didn't want to talk to her until she changed.
I give him credit for making the attempt....but it didn't work. She still weaseled her way in. She started to bring my mom into it and calling her to make my mom feel sorry for her. This tarnised my relationship with my mom because she as well started taking my mother in law's side.
By this point my husband and I were fighting on a daily basis. We entered marriage counseling hoping that would make a change. It did settle the fights and we were able to talk more openly for a while. But things were still not ok.
This next part is why I tell you to really do your research. over the last few years we really struggled in the sex department. He was very pushy about it and never satisfied. I started to resent sex and he started to resent me for never wanting it. His behaviour started to become quite strange. It finally came out that he had cheated on me twice. That's when we realized that he has a sex addiction. He has led a completely seperate life that no one has ever known about and done a lot of things he is ashamed of. He started therapy and a 12 step program. Just recently we brought out our old books about covert incest and realized it was all right there in front of our faces before and we never knew it. His covertly incestuous relationship with his mom caused severe dammage to him. It wasn't until he hit rock bottom that he was able to realize it and admit it. Finally, he was able to call his mom and tell her that he needs to cut her out of his life. He told her about the addiction and that it was caused from her. He said that he has spent his entire life worrying about her needs and it's time he put himself first. It was a moment I have been waiting for for the last 6 years.
I'm not saying that your fiancee is going to be a sex addict, but it definitely sounds like he has suffered severe emotional abuse. When that occurs the abused person has issues being intimate in their adult life and struggle with relationships. When this all came out my husband became a completely different person. He finally cares about my needs and puts me before his mom. I never realized how much damage had been done to him and how lacking our relationship was of real love. I was in complete denial.
A book that really helped us is "Silently Seduced...When parents make their Children partners...understanding Covert Incest" by Kenneth M. Adams. If you can get your fiancee to read it I'm sure it will help. You can push as much as you want for him to stand up to his mom, but his relationship with her will never change until he understands the full effects it has had on him.
I've talked for way too long now, but I just want to say good luck with everything. I really hope you can get to the bottom of all these issues before it goes too far. I know when I was going through this all I wanted was someone to talk to who understood....so if you need someone to talk to or just to rant to let me know and I'll give you my e-mail or number. Good luck again and I hope it all works out for you!