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Post by tigerlily on Apr 12, 2009 9:53:41 GMT -8
Ok, so I finally streamlined what I want to say, and although it may seem a bit cheesy to do so, I am just going to read what I wrote to my husband when we go to see the therapist. I feel that I have articulated and covered everything that I want to say without sounding as if I am attacking him, whilst also being totally honest...so here is the final draft.
"In order for me to forgive myself, I need to ask for your forgiveness. Forgiveness for not having better boundaries, and for going outside of our marriage for emotional support. I realize that my actions as well as my inaction have damaged our marriage severely and have contributed to where we are now. For that, I apologize to you from the bottom of my heart. I also know that in order for us to move forward I must also forgive you, and let go of my anger and resentment. But I admit that I do not know how to do this, and that it all stems from before we even got married, and the incident with your father. I now understand that I have never gotten over what happened and have been holding that against you ever since. That was a huge hurt for me and I believe that my trust and respect for you were greatly affected by that day.
I feel that this continues to be a struggle for me, and my feelings seem to be reinforced just by your inability to address the issue with your family of why I am not around. When I asked you what you felt or what you were fearful of when you thought about having to respond to their questions, you were not able to give me an answer. This leads me to believe that you are not truly able to support my boundaries, and that you still have trouble setting your own healthy boundaries with your family. That makes it difficult for me to let go of my resentment, and almost impossible for me to feel that I can totally trust you.
By trying to learn healthy boundaries, and rediscovering myself, and what I need to be happy, I am changing. This is extremely scary because it makes me question whether our marriage can truly survive. Part of this comes from my feelings not only about your family but also about the club, and the politics that are involved. I feel that I can support you in what is important to you, but the club does not serve my interests, and goes against my principles and my values. And while I am willing to compromise on anything except for my boundaries and my integrity, I realize that this is a dilemma, since you feel that the club is a huge part of who you are, and although I would never ask you to give up a part of yourself, this is just another reason that I am concerned for our future. I do not believe that I can participate in something that I feel degrades me as a woman, and devalues me as your wife. In doing so, I do not feel that I am your equal, and that I am not upholding my ethics and representing my true self, or respecting who I am."
What do you think? T
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Post by amazed on Apr 13, 2009 6:05:30 GMT -8
Here's what I think, and please don't take this as a cop out.
Anything that you think is worth bringing up is definitely valid and I bet the counselor thinks so, too.
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Post by tigerlily on Apr 13, 2009 7:08:06 GMT -8
Thanks Amazed...
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Post by amazed on Apr 13, 2009 13:39:36 GMT -8
Let me ask you this... Is your husband also timid when dealing with other people, other than you? I don't mean his family. See, my husband is fairly timid in dealing with anyone. He's pretty quiet. And he's afraid to hear the word "no." He's getting better, but he's now 40 and he is still no good at asking questions of sticking up for himself. And a large part of my anger was he had the ability to be mean, and vocal and verbally abusive to me, and it certainly seems, no one else. I'm just curious.
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Post by tigerlily on Apr 13, 2009 14:02:47 GMT -8
Actually no...If I were to describe my husband, timid would definately not be a word that would come to mind. And really he isn't timid with me either, just...non reactive sometimes. Then at other times, he is very reactive, even angry. I can only assume that that comes from embarrassment and insecurity, but he also has a way of turning things around to take the focus off himself. I've become keen to this over the years and I have not allowed him to turn anything around on me for awhile now. Sometimes he talks in circles, I suspect to get me confused, and sometimes that does work. But that is why I've written something down to read tomorrow.
I figured that I would give him the opportunity to speak first and to bring up anything that he wants to talk about. I will listen quietly, and not interrupt. The therapist will probably want to respond. But when it is my turn to speak, I will read my letter. This way I can say exactly what I need to say, without him interjecting and trying to throw me off track. We will see what happens. I will let you know Wednesday when I get to work...
I believe that it just boils down to him being scared to confront his father on anything. And he just continues to prove that he is incapable, so I feel like I cant trust him. And so the resentment only grows...
I want to get rid of it and forgive him, but I dont know how and if I can. And at this point, if he were to ask me what he could do to help, I would not have an answer. I actually printed out three copies of my letter and will not only give him one, but the counselor as well. And I guess we will see where things go from that point.
T
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Post by jamersasu on Apr 15, 2009 6:55:26 GMT -8
Tigerlily, how did things go? I couldn't imagine dealing with this for 8 years. I like what you have written to discuss in therapy. This is very brave of you to lay out your needs. How do we loose ourselves in all of this?
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Post by tigerlily on Apr 15, 2009 8:29:16 GMT -8
Thank you Jamers,
I honestly dont know what to think. Although I am really proud of myself! The counselor loved my letter and said that I was making great progress. He really did not like the part about the club, and it upset him that I do not want to be a part of it anymore. He said that this is him and his lifestyle…and I said that that was part of the problem in that it's all about "his" lifestyle, but what about "our" lifestyle? He said "idk, you tell me" and the counselor said NO WAY! He doesn't understand that we need to form our own lifestyle and it's not about me melding into his!
It boils down to whether he can accept my new boundaries and limitations or not. I have to be with someone that accpet the new me basically. And if he cannot, then we cant be together. We go back together on 5/11…
After it was over, he seemed fine. But last night after we went to bed, he was really restless and ended up getting up and watching t.v. for a few hours. I asked him if he was ok this morning, and he said yes. So? I'm not asking anymore questions…if he isn't fine then he needs to bring it to me. I am not going to drag it out of him.
Thanks for asking...T
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Post by amazed on Apr 17, 2009 10:33:51 GMT -8
Wow. Now. I don't know what to think about your husband. He seems controlling like my in-laws! I remember my husband, when we lived near those evil people, twisting things around so that they were my fault. It was like she revved him up and then he would come in the door and give me her spiel. And it sounds like your husband has picked up a lot of your FIL's traits. That's really scary, Tigerlilly. It also sounds like he is really ticked that you are standing up to him. You're doing what he can't do to his father. I can't believe you have to wait that long for counseling. Geesh.
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Post by tigerlily on Apr 20, 2009 6:00:23 GMT -8
Oh definately! You hit the nail on the head! He has gotten a lot of this crap from his dad, but I am learning to be a better person for me! And if he can't handle or accept it, then there is no future for us. I understand that it is not easy, and I am trying to be compassonate, but I will no longer be co dependent! In my world, I am now #1!
At this point, we are at a "we will see" status...And for now, I'm okay with that. I know that it may take some time. I am also trying to learn to forgive as well...But it should be a very interesting discovery period, because things are changing and will continue to change, and he will need to learn to adapt to the "new" me.
We could've seen the counselor earlier, but with our work schedules, this worked the best!
T
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Post by amazed on May 6, 2009 18:24:57 GMT -8
A few more days before you see the counselor, TigerLilly. How are you doing?
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Post by tigerlily on May 7, 2009 12:40:20 GMT -8
Hey Amazed! I'm doing okay...How bout you? I actually have a little bit of a dilemma if you want to put in your two cents... I have to say that since our last counseling session, things have been going really well. But Tuesday when I got home, my DH handed me a letter. It was from one of the companies I'd applied for a job at in another state. I had already told him that I'd done this, so it wasn't a surprise. But it was from the place that I really really wanted to work for. And the letter stated that I had qualified to take the next step in the hiring process which is a test scheduled June 12th. I was surprised, but he was bothered, and did not express it until the next day (in a text message). He was bothered by the fact that I kept the letter, not that I'd received it. My dilemma and what I tried to express to him is that I feel that I owe it to myself to at least go to take the test. This does not mean that a job offer will automatically ensue, and even if it does, I do not have to accept it. While things have been going well, it's still early, and I need to be smart about this. I dont want to undermine any progress, but he may decide that he just cant accept the new changes and limitations. And then where would I be. I am hopeful, more so than I have been in a long time, but there are no guarantees. Am I thinking about this all wrong? I realize that I'm fighting my CoDependency on this, it's obvious. And is that why this is so hard? I dont want to create more problems and hurt feelings, but I do have to put myself first. I plan to bring this up with the counselor next week and we will see what she thinks as well...and my DH (since he wont talk to me about it face to face? I know what I feel I want to do, but am I making the right decision here? Thanks T
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Post by amazed on May 15, 2009 11:06:10 GMT -8
I think you are making the right decision. I can't help but think that everything changed for me and us when I made that big step and decided to move. He's either going to go with you or he won't, but either way you are going to be much better off. It would be fantastic if you got the job. So many places are not hiring right now, so you may have limited opportunities. I really urge you to stick with it and move ahead, with or without him. You go girl!
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Post by tigerlily on May 15, 2009 13:21:15 GMT -8
Thanks Amazed...
I am really having a tough time with this. But I had a very intense dream last night that was basically telling me to stop trying to control things, becuz when I do, all hell breaks loose.
At this very moment, I've decided to let it go. I still have time to figure it out.
Your words of wisdom and encouragement are priceless to me.
Thank you T
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Post by amazed on Jun 10, 2009 19:30:35 GMT -8
Tigerlilly, I hope you are okay?
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