Post by newlywed on Jan 21, 2009 1:24:48 GMT -8
The situation with my new MIL has progressively turned from bad to unbearable....in desperation, I was typing "mother son relationship" into Google, trying to find a confirmation that what I was living through was not normal.
Today, I came across Emotional Incest.
I already oredered Dr Love book online - I plan to leave it for my husband when I go on a business trip next month. Finally, all my feelings of "something is rotten" have been verbalised by a professional.
For a very long time, I tried to explain to my parents, friends and online 'in-laws' forums what I was seeing. The advice ranged from 'don't worry about it, just ignore' to 'try and understand that she is lonely etc".
Where do I start? I met my husband 2 years ago. He introduced me to his mum straight away. I must say that she was VERy nice to me. She might have taken up some of our time in the early courtship with her 'son and lonely mum' dates, but to me she was invariably sweet and friendly - too friendly, in fact.
Two facts bothered me immediately. He was talking about his mom ALL THE TIME. She was a single mother who raised 2 kids on minimal income. She was a saint and the kindest heart and he was going to take care of her and buy her an apartment so that she can be happy. May I mention that he was very young - 20. I am older. He was highly intelligent and very mature in many ways, so with hope that this phase of adoration of his mother would in time pass.
He was always upset about her....Mum is sick, mum is poor, mum is lonely tonight.....Mum is single and has been so for 18 years. Mum made one big sacrifice out of her life in the name of love for her kids. He would start brining up "poor mum' stories in the middle of dates or great night outs.
She, meanwhile, called him at least once or more frequently each day. Sometimes she cried; sometimes she complained that she was all by herself. But our relationship remained civil; meanwhile my BF and Fiance to be grew more and more involved with me and the talk about mum subsided - a miracle! Still, he did not like any talk of her that did not agree that she was a ever-suffering lamb. One day he was so upset, apparently she had been pouring her heart out to him about her menapause like symptoms and hour it worried her....Appropriate topic to discuss with her young son? Don't think so! Also, his stories of his childhood were peppered with episodes of all of them growing up in a tight household were it was a small house WITH NO DOORs, so naturally he had to witness her nudity accidentally. On one shopping occasion with his mum, he told me he was in the CHANGEROOM with her and he got a glimpse of her bottom half, and pointed it out to her, like "MUM! Man, come on, put it away!" To which she replied "well, this is where you came from, so don't complain". He thought it was humourous but I thought HOW INAPPROPRIATE. She, too, in conversations with me would say things like "Have you seen his freckly bum? He used to have such a freckly bum" or would make references to our sex life in a jocking way, as if "you are my lovebirds"...
All sounded just awkward, slightly sad but harmless so far...I hated her intrusion with endless calls but I was still oblivious to the full extent of her relationship with her children. He did say on many occasions that he had to be the man of the house (!) and felt he was the father, and she was the daughter....Which I thought was wrong.
But as mine and her relationship progressed, she allowed herself to be more openly demanding in front of me. I then realised just what claims she has over him...."why don't you come more often, you two are the only two people who I can trust"...."You two make mummy feel so happy, makes my awful life so much more bearable".. etc etc..constant messages of 'thank you for being you, you make me so happy and loved' etc etc...bizarre!
The behaviour was getting on my nerves, I was craving some freedom from her DAILY participaton in our life. We got engaged and started planning the wedding. Shortly before the wedding, she became more and more openly defiant of my request for space, she began to DEMAND not ask we spend time with her....Apparently, my DH has always bore the brunt of this, but this was new to me....Meanwhile, I really began to assert my rights for a quiet time away from relatives, and I felt he was finally understanding my need for space away from his mum. Shortly after the wedding, I refused to see and talk to her as much as she wanted, which was ALL THE TIME, and requested we have time alone like all newlyweds. All hell broke lose. She is 'heartbroken", she is "crushed", she is wants to kill herself. My husband is very upset but standing firm by making me his #1, of which he told her. ....My trying to explain that we just need space as all newlyweds to work on our own problems are never heard....She screams and cries on the phone to him, obsessively sends messages about her broken heart, etc etc...at least she stopped calling me. I really look forward to getting the book very soon and hoping it would open his eyes. It is not his duty to be responsible for her loneliness and unhappiness, which is all pervasive...the woman has a responsibility for her life, she is still in her 40s.
With all that history, recent events aside, would just make me think she was a sad lonely soul who did not have a life and any imagination to get one....but with recent hysterical behaviour, extreme grief on her part, mania, messages of "I am laying in bed crying here son"at 1 am, I do believe she is a typical emotional incest perpetrator. My DH feels so so guilty. He is a strong assertive person and we love each other very much and he stands by my side. But I suspect he is in inner turmoil as he does love his mother and feels very very guilty for abandoning her. I really do hope reading that book will take some of the guilt away.
Today, I came across Emotional Incest.
I already oredered Dr Love book online - I plan to leave it for my husband when I go on a business trip next month. Finally, all my feelings of "something is rotten" have been verbalised by a professional.
For a very long time, I tried to explain to my parents, friends and online 'in-laws' forums what I was seeing. The advice ranged from 'don't worry about it, just ignore' to 'try and understand that she is lonely etc".
Where do I start? I met my husband 2 years ago. He introduced me to his mum straight away. I must say that she was VERy nice to me. She might have taken up some of our time in the early courtship with her 'son and lonely mum' dates, but to me she was invariably sweet and friendly - too friendly, in fact.
Two facts bothered me immediately. He was talking about his mom ALL THE TIME. She was a single mother who raised 2 kids on minimal income. She was a saint and the kindest heart and he was going to take care of her and buy her an apartment so that she can be happy. May I mention that he was very young - 20. I am older. He was highly intelligent and very mature in many ways, so with hope that this phase of adoration of his mother would in time pass.
He was always upset about her....Mum is sick, mum is poor, mum is lonely tonight.....Mum is single and has been so for 18 years. Mum made one big sacrifice out of her life in the name of love for her kids. He would start brining up "poor mum' stories in the middle of dates or great night outs.
She, meanwhile, called him at least once or more frequently each day. Sometimes she cried; sometimes she complained that she was all by herself. But our relationship remained civil; meanwhile my BF and Fiance to be grew more and more involved with me and the talk about mum subsided - a miracle! Still, he did not like any talk of her that did not agree that she was a ever-suffering lamb. One day he was so upset, apparently she had been pouring her heart out to him about her menapause like symptoms and hour it worried her....Appropriate topic to discuss with her young son? Don't think so! Also, his stories of his childhood were peppered with episodes of all of them growing up in a tight household were it was a small house WITH NO DOORs, so naturally he had to witness her nudity accidentally. On one shopping occasion with his mum, he told me he was in the CHANGEROOM with her and he got a glimpse of her bottom half, and pointed it out to her, like "MUM! Man, come on, put it away!" To which she replied "well, this is where you came from, so don't complain". He thought it was humourous but I thought HOW INAPPROPRIATE. She, too, in conversations with me would say things like "Have you seen his freckly bum? He used to have such a freckly bum" or would make references to our sex life in a jocking way, as if "you are my lovebirds"...
All sounded just awkward, slightly sad but harmless so far...I hated her intrusion with endless calls but I was still oblivious to the full extent of her relationship with her children. He did say on many occasions that he had to be the man of the house (!) and felt he was the father, and she was the daughter....Which I thought was wrong.
But as mine and her relationship progressed, she allowed herself to be more openly demanding in front of me. I then realised just what claims she has over him...."why don't you come more often, you two are the only two people who I can trust"...."You two make mummy feel so happy, makes my awful life so much more bearable".. etc etc..constant messages of 'thank you for being you, you make me so happy and loved' etc etc...bizarre!
The behaviour was getting on my nerves, I was craving some freedom from her DAILY participaton in our life. We got engaged and started planning the wedding. Shortly before the wedding, she became more and more openly defiant of my request for space, she began to DEMAND not ask we spend time with her....Apparently, my DH has always bore the brunt of this, but this was new to me....Meanwhile, I really began to assert my rights for a quiet time away from relatives, and I felt he was finally understanding my need for space away from his mum. Shortly after the wedding, I refused to see and talk to her as much as she wanted, which was ALL THE TIME, and requested we have time alone like all newlyweds. All hell broke lose. She is 'heartbroken", she is "crushed", she is wants to kill herself. My husband is very upset but standing firm by making me his #1, of which he told her. ....My trying to explain that we just need space as all newlyweds to work on our own problems are never heard....She screams and cries on the phone to him, obsessively sends messages about her broken heart, etc etc...at least she stopped calling me. I really look forward to getting the book very soon and hoping it would open his eyes. It is not his duty to be responsible for her loneliness and unhappiness, which is all pervasive...the woman has a responsibility for her life, she is still in her 40s.
With all that history, recent events aside, would just make me think she was a sad lonely soul who did not have a life and any imagination to get one....but with recent hysterical behaviour, extreme grief on her part, mania, messages of "I am laying in bed crying here son"at 1 am, I do believe she is a typical emotional incest perpetrator. My DH feels so so guilty. He is a strong assertive person and we love each other very much and he stands by my side. But I suspect he is in inner turmoil as he does love his mother and feels very very guilty for abandoning her. I really do hope reading that book will take some of the guilt away.