How can I reach out for advice? My husband has been enmeshed with his mother for years. He "thinks" he is setting boundaries and separating, but he really isn't. His mother has involved my children to get to my husband, and I resent this. I keep trying to tell my husband that she doesn't care about them, she just wants to see him. The way he has set his boundaries up now is that he schedules visits. It's perfect for her because I will not attend and she gets to see him alone - like a scorned lover. Now, she says she wants to see the grandchildren (after 15 years of ignoring them) and he forces them to go. I keep trying to explain that she is still getting what she wants and that he is proving to her that his loyalty is still with her by taking the boys from me and making them go to her. He doesn't understand that when she beckons to see the grandchildren, she is just flexing her muscle and showing me that she is still number one, and that she gets to see my husband twice - she doesn't care about my kids. I am so distraught and I don't know how to handle this new development. My husband is the kind of spin and smoke and mirrors. He can turn any situation around to accomodate his need at the moment. I am not sure how to manage my children as far as exposure to the mentally ill woman and her enmeshed son. I do not want my children around it, but I feel that I have to support him.
When I brought to my husbands attention, that when the mother beckoned to see the kids, he gathered them up and took them, that this whole thing was because he wanted to make her happy, he denied it and said that she "wants to see them". I would have said tough nuts. She ruined my life and she is still trying to get in bed with me and my husband. Aside from leaving him, I don't know what to do anymore.
Please let me know how others have handled this problem as it involves 4 children between the ages of 18 and 10.
Also, when my mother in law enmeshed my husband, she had a retarded son that my husband basically raised. She has really F**** him up. She enspoused him and gave him a son to raise.
Please help> I cry every day and I don't know what to do.
It sounds cruel, but I think the only thing you can do is leave. I think you simply haven't put your foot down enough. I have a mother that toys with me and my children. I simply put a stop to it. They are your children.
I do not want my children around it, but I feel that I have to support him.
This really, really, really bothers me. Your job is to protect your children. Period. How can you allow him to force those kids to visit?
The sad thing is rarely do people like this change. My MIL used my husband until her husband died. He had a disease that lasted for about 20 years. During that time she heavily relied on my husband and played games. She'd talk like his lover, whatever it took to gain his attention.
But when her husband died she was out the door looking for another boyfriend. My husband was devastated. His mother/girlfriend had left him in the dust.
Even though I always kind of knew it, at that point I realized that maybe my MIL made my husband what he is, but he is still the one with the problem. We now live hundreds of miles away but I'm still here with the guy and guess what? I can't stand the guy. He's a jerk. My husband never had enough decency to stick up for me, ran me down to his mother whenever he got a chance. Now my MIL is gone but I am still stuck with a jerk for a husband.
So no matter what...your MIL could die, you could move away, she could put her attention elsewhere....you are still married to a jerk who forces your kids to visit her because he is a mama's boy and obsessed.
Do you really want to be married to him?
The only reason my husband is still under my roof is because I can't get rid of him. Part of living with a mama's boy is they want YOU to take care of them, too. grrr...