Post by rgs on May 8, 2008 6:05:35 GMT -8
I've just been introduced to this term: Covert Incest and am not sure if it applies to my situation.
I have 2 step daughters 21 and 19...they have been living with us for the past year. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have an infant daughter ourselves. My husband has been divorced from his ex for over 10 years and she made it very difficult to have a relationship with his daughters. I believe that this time away and difficulty has led us to where we are now. He also comes from a family of divorce. He has no sisters and seems to be unaware of the manipulative ways of adolescent girls.
In the past when they've come to visit (they lived out West, we live in New England) he always went out of his way to spend a lot of time with them because time was short. The visits would always be one long holiday (even if they were with us for more than a week) and although I used to always be included in outings, conversations, etc...his oldest daughter would always try to set up "dates" where they'd spend time together alone. In the beginning these "dates" were rare and mainly only with the older daughter.
During the younger one's visits, she would always act as a hanger on. Although at times I would feel left out (emotionally, if not physically) it was never a big ongoing issue because they always returned home. The relationship is not sexual in nature but VERY emotionally needy. VERY emotionally needy.
Since they've lived with us they have not made any friendships with anyone outside of their father and although the girls have formed a closer friendship with each other, they are both very attached to their father...visiting him at work, swarming him when he walks through the door in the evening and in the morning when he awakes.
On the flip side, my husband has stopped in to visit them at work and even when I am present, he speaks to them as if they were his spouse (especially with the older one) rather than address certain issues with me. Even when he is angry with them, it is always "honey" this and "honey" that and then you can tell that he feels bad for being angry and he begins to backtrack and over compensate and then the point he was trying to make gets lost. As a result of all of this, their sense of bounderies are nonexistent. And my husband is unable and/or unwilling to set any.
Since my husband has not set up any bounderies on my behalf for me and my infant, I was forced to do this for myself which has created a lot of animosity. I am so creeped out and frustrated by this whole situation that I have basically become a single parent, making my escape with my daughter every chance I get. I spend a lot of time with my own family (which I rarely did before in this capacity) in order to give her a sense of normalcy.
In the past year both girls have continuously tried to set me up as the "evil step mom." Since I am not the permissive type, this set up has been relatively successful. My husband continuously sides with them and is unwilling to see or address any of my concerns. It's like I'm living with a classic enabler.
The older step daughter has gone away to school now but she still calls and/or emails my husband almost every day. These conversations are not short and can go on for 2 hours--plus. The time he spends with the girls--both home and away--causes him to have to work weekends to make up for the work he is not able to finish during the week. This is strange for me because although I am close with my family, I never spent this kind of time talking to them or with them in a friendship capacity--especially when I was their age.
What began as both of us "dating" his daughters has progressed to him taking time off from work and on the weekends to spend time alone with them (now just the younger one).
When I was pregnant, there was a lot of jealousy towards me and my unborn child. The minute my husband walked through the door after work, they would swarm him leaving us no time together. When my daughter was first born they were obsessed with her. I have since established boundaries to protect her and myself from this intrusive behavior. As a result, the younger daughter has attempted to set things up so that she and her father can spend "bonding time" with my daughter without me present. I didn't "bond" with my brother until we were in our 20s--he always tattled on me and we wanted to kill each other until we both became adults--and we are three years apart! What kind of bonding do these kids expect? They are old enough to be her mother. In my opinion, they should be concerned with going out with friends and having a good time not hanging out with an infant and their father. Of course, I have not allowed any alone "bonding" time with my daughter--that is for me, since she is my first child--not for adult siblings.
Although I keep up a nice and positive facade, beneath the surface things are weird between my step daughters and myself. I don't know if my husband is aware because it is his nature to not deal with unpleasantries. I don't know if what I'm dealing with is Covert Incest or if I just married a weak man who has no concept of how to be a proper parent. I grew up in a boring and normal family (real normal by these standards)...so, I don't get it. And if what I am dealing with is Covert Incest, how does this issue get addressed? The word "incest" is extremely loaded--even if it is not sexual in nature.
If there is anyone out there who can help me sort this out, it would be very much appreciated.
I have 2 step daughters 21 and 19...they have been living with us for the past year. My husband and I have been married for 4 years and have an infant daughter ourselves. My husband has been divorced from his ex for over 10 years and she made it very difficult to have a relationship with his daughters. I believe that this time away and difficulty has led us to where we are now. He also comes from a family of divorce. He has no sisters and seems to be unaware of the manipulative ways of adolescent girls.
In the past when they've come to visit (they lived out West, we live in New England) he always went out of his way to spend a lot of time with them because time was short. The visits would always be one long holiday (even if they were with us for more than a week) and although I used to always be included in outings, conversations, etc...his oldest daughter would always try to set up "dates" where they'd spend time together alone. In the beginning these "dates" were rare and mainly only with the older daughter.
During the younger one's visits, she would always act as a hanger on. Although at times I would feel left out (emotionally, if not physically) it was never a big ongoing issue because they always returned home. The relationship is not sexual in nature but VERY emotionally needy. VERY emotionally needy.
Since they've lived with us they have not made any friendships with anyone outside of their father and although the girls have formed a closer friendship with each other, they are both very attached to their father...visiting him at work, swarming him when he walks through the door in the evening and in the morning when he awakes.
On the flip side, my husband has stopped in to visit them at work and even when I am present, he speaks to them as if they were his spouse (especially with the older one) rather than address certain issues with me. Even when he is angry with them, it is always "honey" this and "honey" that and then you can tell that he feels bad for being angry and he begins to backtrack and over compensate and then the point he was trying to make gets lost. As a result of all of this, their sense of bounderies are nonexistent. And my husband is unable and/or unwilling to set any.
Since my husband has not set up any bounderies on my behalf for me and my infant, I was forced to do this for myself which has created a lot of animosity. I am so creeped out and frustrated by this whole situation that I have basically become a single parent, making my escape with my daughter every chance I get. I spend a lot of time with my own family (which I rarely did before in this capacity) in order to give her a sense of normalcy.
In the past year both girls have continuously tried to set me up as the "evil step mom." Since I am not the permissive type, this set up has been relatively successful. My husband continuously sides with them and is unwilling to see or address any of my concerns. It's like I'm living with a classic enabler.
The older step daughter has gone away to school now but she still calls and/or emails my husband almost every day. These conversations are not short and can go on for 2 hours--plus. The time he spends with the girls--both home and away--causes him to have to work weekends to make up for the work he is not able to finish during the week. This is strange for me because although I am close with my family, I never spent this kind of time talking to them or with them in a friendship capacity--especially when I was their age.
What began as both of us "dating" his daughters has progressed to him taking time off from work and on the weekends to spend time alone with them (now just the younger one).
When I was pregnant, there was a lot of jealousy towards me and my unborn child. The minute my husband walked through the door after work, they would swarm him leaving us no time together. When my daughter was first born they were obsessed with her. I have since established boundaries to protect her and myself from this intrusive behavior. As a result, the younger daughter has attempted to set things up so that she and her father can spend "bonding time" with my daughter without me present. I didn't "bond" with my brother until we were in our 20s--he always tattled on me and we wanted to kill each other until we both became adults--and we are three years apart! What kind of bonding do these kids expect? They are old enough to be her mother. In my opinion, they should be concerned with going out with friends and having a good time not hanging out with an infant and their father. Of course, I have not allowed any alone "bonding" time with my daughter--that is for me, since she is my first child--not for adult siblings.
Although I keep up a nice and positive facade, beneath the surface things are weird between my step daughters and myself. I don't know if my husband is aware because it is his nature to not deal with unpleasantries. I don't know if what I'm dealing with is Covert Incest or if I just married a weak man who has no concept of how to be a proper parent. I grew up in a boring and normal family (real normal by these standards)...so, I don't get it. And if what I am dealing with is Covert Incest, how does this issue get addressed? The word "incest" is extremely loaded--even if it is not sexual in nature.
If there is anyone out there who can help me sort this out, it would be very much appreciated.