Post by artman on Dec 18, 2004 0:14:43 GMT -8
Hi everyone 
My girlfriend and I have recently discovered these forums... and I thought it was a blessing. We're currently living in a city that doesn't provide much in terms of recovery for incest, and even less for partners.
English isn't my first language, even though I do live in the US, so if the going gets tough as far as my language skills are concerned, please bear with me
I am 25, and I have been dating this wonderful woman for sometime over 1 year now. I have learned much about myself, and grew in ways unimaginable to me, in this time period. But going back towards the beginning... everything seemed fine, we were falling in love and things were moving quite fast, something I have been used to. At one point she started getting very scared, and started to push me away, and right about that time I chose to start seeing a counselor -who helped me a lot- and soon after we started couples conseling together. With time I learned to give her the space I had unknowingly denied her, due to my fears of abandonment... and she in turn allowed me in further. It took time and a lot of effort, but somewhere in the process she started having memories of incest by her father. According to the counselor she felt safe, and truly enough we do have a good relationship.
Little did I know, though, what I was getting into. And I still don't know, in many ways, but I would have still stuck to it the whole way, had I known. She is worth it, and I'm stubbornly committed to healing my own pains.
For a few months now, it's been getting harder and harder on me. I need support, I think... sometimes I think I really just need to "b*tch" and complain, and let everything that is annoying me out, but I really don't have many people to do so with.
There's only 1 group for survivors in the entire city, and none for partners
I've tried to be here the most I can. I've learned about boundaries, and sometimes I just can't be there, cause myself demands more of my attention.
Things seemed to be working in a fluid way, for a while, with ups and downs, and for some time we were even able to resume some (albeit with some difficulty, patience and time spent) of our sexual intimacy.
Lately, though, it's been getting harder and harder on her, it seems. And it's been a while since she's been releasing anger, going to therapy, remembering, and for no reason suddenly the need for complete sexual distance has arrived.
I'm completely scared, and not having my needs met.
I am completely against having any kind of sexual touch with her, unless she wants it for her own self, not for me. The last thing I want is to complicate matters even more for her... I deeply care about her, and her healing is just as important as mine, I believe.
I am scared of losing her. I'm scared she is just not feeling attracted to me anymore (even though she does reassume me often), I am scared of making mistakes.
I feel so confused lately...
I feel the need to talk to her about all these matters, and we do talk about it. We discuss her feelings, problems as well as mine, but I've read that communicating my problems, feelings and needs at this moment will only trouble her even more, piling up on her mountain of troubled feelings, and complicating her healing.
I definitely don't want to cause more problems.... but I know our sexual lives has been stripped away already. I try to deal with that however I can. But to cease the communications of my feelings would be to create even more distance, and strip away a lot of the great things I cherish that are still left!
How to solve this terrible dilema??
I need to find other confidantes as well, one reason why I've decided to post here.
I do talk some with my family whenever I can, but since we're in a transitory phase, most of my friends and family don't live anywhere close by.
In general, though, she's my best friend and the person I really open up to.
Is that unhealthy to her or I in any way???
I don't understand what those books are talking about...
Sometimes she does get worried about me, and needs a lot of reassurance to understand that I am still here, will not leave her, that I love her even though I have my needs and do feel frustrated sometimes. I have the feeling these fears are been fed, at least partly, by my communication. I communicate openly and clearly (vice versa) on anything I deem relevant towards the relationship. It's something we worked hard on achieving this last year.
I feel angry at her father for having abused her, the bastard. He still tries to communicate once in a while; denial's strong.
Although her mom has good qualities she's a manipulative "b*atch" any time she sees fit, something my girlfriend brings up as often as she denies, it seems.
Sometimes I get angry at my girlfriend as well, angry because she still tries hard to bend over to her mother's rule and get "closer", even though there's no intimacy. Angry because her mom's tantrums and stress usually transfers to our relationship somehow.
All of this I communicate when I see it happen.
She's a lot more aware of many things now, and in some ways it's amazing the progress she's had with just about every aspect of her life. New boundaries everywhere, including with me.
It's almost odd how sometimes if I get denied a request badly (of any kind) I may feel a mixture of love, admiration, and abandonment all at once... and that is great.
I have grown in many ways as well, and still have so much more to look forward to.
I am scared, though, of the uncertainties the future holds for our relationship. I just can't understand how we both struggled for so long to start rebuilding at least part of our sexual intimacy... and everything seemed fine, she got to the point where she was proud of herself for wanting and enjoying sex/sexual activities once again -and even her therapist was impressed- and all of a sudden intense feelings/fears started taking hold as soon as we'd talk about sex or anything sexual in nature, and after sex or any sexual contact of any kind she feels horrible about herself.
It all changed to fast, I'm scared of whatelse may keep changing.
I'm scared it won't get better any time in the future.
Sometimes I don't even know if I want any sexual contact, because I would like for her to be fully there, sexually and emotionally. And it seems usually I get only one at a time.
I know there are many people out there feeling exactly as I feel, but I haven't found that I know
I thought maybe there would be people around that could understand the extent of my hurt and confusion, relate with her position, and be able to give me some advice, insight, or anything helpful. Even just caring words.
For so long now I cry inside and cannot get it out... I want it out, but it seems like it's just waiting for somehting.
I do meditate every so often. Less now than before. IT does help me feel my feelings, get them out slowly, and ease my mind, etc.
Although my girlfriend only discovered about the extent of the abuse in the last yr, she had been going to therapy for a few years prior to that, and had memories of her father staring at her in strange ways, and leaving xrated magazines in places she'd find, among other things, so it all seemed to be right there waiting to come out.
I take this oportunity the two of us have as a blessing, to care for one another and have the chance to finally heal that which others in the past of our families could not. A blessing to see in someone else the hurt I feel inside, although for different reasons. Blessing to have the chance to help another being towards happiness, even if sometimes indirectly.
This is a chance we both treasure, but due to our lack of knowledge, certainty and resources we have no idea whether we are taking the healthiest path at certain times.
Again, I would appreciate any comments, ideas, insight... I tried to be as detailed as I can to give a good idea of what we are going through.
I'd also just like to add that she still goes to therapy (I'm not able to at the moment), she also goes to acupuncture and is resumind emdr soon.
Thanks guys
My girlfriend and I have recently discovered these forums... and I thought it was a blessing. We're currently living in a city that doesn't provide much in terms of recovery for incest, and even less for partners.
English isn't my first language, even though I do live in the US, so if the going gets tough as far as my language skills are concerned, please bear with me
I am 25, and I have been dating this wonderful woman for sometime over 1 year now. I have learned much about myself, and grew in ways unimaginable to me, in this time period. But going back towards the beginning... everything seemed fine, we were falling in love and things were moving quite fast, something I have been used to. At one point she started getting very scared, and started to push me away, and right about that time I chose to start seeing a counselor -who helped me a lot- and soon after we started couples conseling together. With time I learned to give her the space I had unknowingly denied her, due to my fears of abandonment... and she in turn allowed me in further. It took time and a lot of effort, but somewhere in the process she started having memories of incest by her father. According to the counselor she felt safe, and truly enough we do have a good relationship.
Little did I know, though, what I was getting into. And I still don't know, in many ways, but I would have still stuck to it the whole way, had I known. She is worth it, and I'm stubbornly committed to healing my own pains.
For a few months now, it's been getting harder and harder on me. I need support, I think... sometimes I think I really just need to "b*tch" and complain, and let everything that is annoying me out, but I really don't have many people to do so with.
There's only 1 group for survivors in the entire city, and none for partners
I've tried to be here the most I can. I've learned about boundaries, and sometimes I just can't be there, cause myself demands more of my attention.
Things seemed to be working in a fluid way, for a while, with ups and downs, and for some time we were even able to resume some (albeit with some difficulty, patience and time spent) of our sexual intimacy.
Lately, though, it's been getting harder and harder on her, it seems. And it's been a while since she's been releasing anger, going to therapy, remembering, and for no reason suddenly the need for complete sexual distance has arrived.
I'm completely scared, and not having my needs met.
I am completely against having any kind of sexual touch with her, unless she wants it for her own self, not for me. The last thing I want is to complicate matters even more for her... I deeply care about her, and her healing is just as important as mine, I believe.
I am scared of losing her. I'm scared she is just not feeling attracted to me anymore (even though she does reassume me often), I am scared of making mistakes.
I feel so confused lately...
I feel the need to talk to her about all these matters, and we do talk about it. We discuss her feelings, problems as well as mine, but I've read that communicating my problems, feelings and needs at this moment will only trouble her even more, piling up on her mountain of troubled feelings, and complicating her healing.
I definitely don't want to cause more problems.... but I know our sexual lives has been stripped away already. I try to deal with that however I can. But to cease the communications of my feelings would be to create even more distance, and strip away a lot of the great things I cherish that are still left!
How to solve this terrible dilema??
I need to find other confidantes as well, one reason why I've decided to post here.
I do talk some with my family whenever I can, but since we're in a transitory phase, most of my friends and family don't live anywhere close by.
In general, though, she's my best friend and the person I really open up to.
Is that unhealthy to her or I in any way???
I don't understand what those books are talking about...
Sometimes she does get worried about me, and needs a lot of reassurance to understand that I am still here, will not leave her, that I love her even though I have my needs and do feel frustrated sometimes. I have the feeling these fears are been fed, at least partly, by my communication. I communicate openly and clearly (vice versa) on anything I deem relevant towards the relationship. It's something we worked hard on achieving this last year.
I feel angry at her father for having abused her, the bastard. He still tries to communicate once in a while; denial's strong.
Although her mom has good qualities she's a manipulative "b*atch" any time she sees fit, something my girlfriend brings up as often as she denies, it seems.
Sometimes I get angry at my girlfriend as well, angry because she still tries hard to bend over to her mother's rule and get "closer", even though there's no intimacy. Angry because her mom's tantrums and stress usually transfers to our relationship somehow.
All of this I communicate when I see it happen.
She's a lot more aware of many things now, and in some ways it's amazing the progress she's had with just about every aspect of her life. New boundaries everywhere, including with me.
It's almost odd how sometimes if I get denied a request badly (of any kind) I may feel a mixture of love, admiration, and abandonment all at once... and that is great.
I have grown in many ways as well, and still have so much more to look forward to.
I am scared, though, of the uncertainties the future holds for our relationship. I just can't understand how we both struggled for so long to start rebuilding at least part of our sexual intimacy... and everything seemed fine, she got to the point where she was proud of herself for wanting and enjoying sex/sexual activities once again -and even her therapist was impressed- and all of a sudden intense feelings/fears started taking hold as soon as we'd talk about sex or anything sexual in nature, and after sex or any sexual contact of any kind she feels horrible about herself.
It all changed to fast, I'm scared of whatelse may keep changing.
I'm scared it won't get better any time in the future.
Sometimes I don't even know if I want any sexual contact, because I would like for her to be fully there, sexually and emotionally. And it seems usually I get only one at a time.
I know there are many people out there feeling exactly as I feel, but I haven't found that I know
I thought maybe there would be people around that could understand the extent of my hurt and confusion, relate with her position, and be able to give me some advice, insight, or anything helpful. Even just caring words.
For so long now I cry inside and cannot get it out... I want it out, but it seems like it's just waiting for somehting.
I do meditate every so often. Less now than before. IT does help me feel my feelings, get them out slowly, and ease my mind, etc.
Although my girlfriend only discovered about the extent of the abuse in the last yr, she had been going to therapy for a few years prior to that, and had memories of her father staring at her in strange ways, and leaving xrated magazines in places she'd find, among other things, so it all seemed to be right there waiting to come out.
I take this oportunity the two of us have as a blessing, to care for one another and have the chance to finally heal that which others in the past of our families could not. A blessing to see in someone else the hurt I feel inside, although for different reasons. Blessing to have the chance to help another being towards happiness, even if sometimes indirectly.
This is a chance we both treasure, but due to our lack of knowledge, certainty and resources we have no idea whether we are taking the healthiest path at certain times.
Again, I would appreciate any comments, ideas, insight... I tried to be as detailed as I can to give a good idea of what we are going through.
I'd also just like to add that she still goes to therapy (I'm not able to at the moment), she also goes to acupuncture and is resumind emdr soon.
Thanks guys