|
|
Post by wahpitiiswife on Apr 5, 2005 4:39:09 GMT -8
I have been with my partner for about five years, and for the longest time, there was an uncomfortable vibe or a feeling if you will, whenever I watched my partner and his mother interact on various occasions and holidays. I kept hearing from my inner self that something was TEXT it said"they are too close for comfort" those were the exact words and feelings that I had been getting from the very start....at first I thought, how caring for a mother to be so helpful...little did I know that this help came with a price....I was not aware that there was even a term for what was going on here, until I joined an support group that touched on these ideas and gave me a start to understanding how tye dynamics of this family was working on, and understanding my part in the whole thing...after some research things have not cleared up as we have not even begun to seek therapy or even get this idea out in the open to begin discussing it...I have tried to get my partner familiar to this idea, and he is slowly starting to grasp the idea, but does not see how he is similar to these people that I try to showcase, to show the correlating factors..he is in fact, quite defensive whenever anything is said/implied negative about his mother or any mother in law for that matter.
He does not see how he needs to create boundaries for the health of our relationship, and he does not see how he is manipulated by his mothers feelings, words and actions...good or bad....she is portrayed as a saint when compared to my mother or me...and I was at my wits end when I began to research this.
Since then I have placed some tenative boundaries on my partner (which is very weak to say the least and being tried on a weekly basis) stating that he must be independant and man enough to not "check in" with her when she wants as this would be one way of her verbally manipulating him as well as monpolizing his free time. I am not asking him to cut his mother off, nor is he willing to, he has threatened it in the past, but I do not see this as something that cannot be worked on....am I wrong to think that or what?.....sometimes, I wonder if I am just making a mountain out of a molehill, or if that inner voice whispering to my heart every time that woman inpedes on our privacy and space or treats him as her husband is warranted and with merit. I am terribly frustrated and angry because I do not know how to begin...
|
|
|
|
Post by wahpitiiswife on Apr 5, 2005 5:27:35 GMT -8
continuation:At first it was the little things that I noticed...the frequency of his calls to her, the information that she requested of him was rather personal and intimate in nature(ie, whether we were practicing safe sex-we were both fully grown adults mind you, on our own as well NOT highschool teenagers), she would wash his laundry, buy him underwear, just outright babying, down to calling him a childhood name that he never liked or appreciated being called by...I began to see that she was treating him as a child, while I was trying to instill qualities usually accompanied by adulthood...she constantly enabled him to act childish and immature, treating him as a child, and he was rising to the occasion on most visits to his parents house....we bickered on one occasion and he actually went and cried to her! she then tried to come and point her finger at me and guilt me with her feelings....I immediately got angry, as we had established a shaky friendship by then that she was testing to its limits...she told me that we should not be together....and that I didnt "know him"....I told her that I might have known him better than she did at that time and that he didnt need her to fight his battles for him, that he was grown and that it was between him and I to resolve. She sulked after and refused to speak to either one of us...I have since then made it very clear that he is in not to divulge any personal information to her about me, or our private life...he still gets pumped by her on the phone to this day, and I am still trying to keep the phone boundaries in place but having a time of it as we argued this very weekend about the frequency of calls to his mother....she is now using his father as the front, who, by the way, was absent due to work and emotionally neglectful during my partners life..and still is.
When she calls and leaves a message, I often had to unplug the phone and delete her messages as they were very manipulative in their guilt trips.
She uses passive aggressive tactics to make her point to me...and we are in this game that my partner knows nothing about...I feel in competition with her for his affections sometimes when she visits, I am also continually alientated by her....she is much to old and overweight to be prancing around in a three quarter length robe with nothing on underneath!! She likes to fake this front that she keeps with me as the good mother and make me out to be the degenerative factor to "her" family...to him, these "traditions" are normal and in no way seen as manipulative or harmful in any way. Although he is telling her that he cannot call her all the time because he has his own life, he is feeling the pressure from her to let her intrude on any part of his life as she wishes...we are in financial difficulties, and it is like she uses money as the guilt factor to make him call her when she demands it....My partner knows that she is two faced by her past friendships as well as her marriage...she is lonely most of the time as she is a workaholic, and I am almost sure she is cheating on his father, as they have terrible communication problems and every word about him from her is negative....she is not in a happy marriage as they continually argue and bicker about everything!!She shows little to no respect for her husband. I think that it is ironic that she be the one to tell me that I dont belong with MY husband, when the truth of the matter is that she doesnt belong with her huband neither judging from their interactions.
My partner has said that she used to yell quite alot and was very domineering and that he was and still is afraid to speak up for himself against her...he is slowly starting to do this, but she seems to be ignoring his statements of autonomy and independance, its almost as if she doesnt want to acknowledge the fact that he is grown and an separate individual from her body....I am in a support group for myself, but I am anxious to try and work this out with him somehow....I just know that I myself have been made to be the target of my own mother and fathers covert incest while I was growing up, but moving away and being firm on my autonomy has gotten me disowned, and then accepted for who I am finally. I can now see manipulation for what it is as well as the guilt trips. Its just how to get my partner to realize that he is a victim of this as well is the hard part..starting with myself as the example, I had introdusced the topic and idea of covert incest and emotional icest, but he still does not see how he was a victim as well. This is where I am at.
|
|
|
|
Post by wahpitiiswife on Apr 5, 2005 6:02:44 GMT -8
I just also wanted to add that my partner is also addicted to porn and masuturbation...he is also guilty of "keeping things" from me such as porn, a pair of cutoff shorts(?!?), and conversations with his mother...I guess the beginning for me would be the fact that I could try to get him some help in dealing with his addictions, and from ther he can begin to grasp why maybe... my partner does acknowledge the fact that he does have an addiction to porn/masturbation, but he attributes this to being molested by his older brother when he was younger....he does not want to get counselling for that topic, but we do suffer intimacy problems....I think that if we could get to a marriage counsellor or couples therapy , that we could begin to unravel these topics slowly... its just finding the time and money , as well as the willingness from my partner. I am just so glad to see that I am not alone, nor the only person affected by these types of behaviours. It is very unfortunate, but I am glad to be able to identify this problem as well as with others....
|
|
|
|
Post by lucy on Apr 18, 2005 11:58:32 GMT -8
Hi there - Im Lucy. Im glad that you found the courage to post here. Its not easy. And, as you see, not a very busy board at the moment. I was just checking in after a long, long time and saw your message and wanted to reach out somehow to let you know that you are not alone. Definately not alone.
I resist from passing any kind of judgements on anything that people share - but the one thing that going through a very similar situation as the one that you describe has taught me is to trust my instincts, and I beleive that you should trust yours too. If the relationship is making you uncomfortable, then thats definately a problem for you - and your feelings are absolutely vaild. Sadly until your partner is ready to face these issues, the only thing that you can do is work on your own. I found the most important thing I ever did was to make a conscious decision to make sure that I was happy and helathy despite my husbands family being incredibly sick and in denial. I am in counseling with my husband - but this and the progress we have made did not happen overnight. I dont wan t to overwhelm you with a bunch of things but could share more if you would like me too. Meanwhile, I am sending you strength and support
-Lucy
|
|
