Post by silverstar on Feb 29, 2008 22:16:13 GMT -8
It's been a while since I have posted. As stated on previous post, my spouse moved out a little over 7 months ago. He has pretty much refused any communication. I have not even seen him. I have sent a couple of cards and e-mails. No response back. It's like he dropped off the face of the earth. I know he is around only because on the rare occasions I have to go past his work, the boys and I see his car every now and then. He has pretty much cut off contact with the kids, his stepsons, whom he professed to love greatly. So the kids and I have been slowly and painfully putting our lives back together. As a co-dependent, this is no easy task. I am in regular therapy, only 4 weeks, and it is starting to help. I have a ways to go.
The pain of this broken relationship with someone who I love dearly, is a bit tough but I believe I will heal in time. Will I ever reconcile with the love I have for him? Only time will tell. I am realizing the bigger picture much clearer now. Several things. If he had really wanted this to work, he would have gotten help long before and not avoided me these last several months. I can see now that subconsciously, he was looking for his mother's approval through me and from me. Amazed, you put it well when you said I was getting nothing in return. And that is painful to accept. I know now that he is still a little boy seeking his mother's approval and acceptance. NOTHING I did or could do was going to change that as long as he accepted no self responsibility to get help. All the begging, wishing, hoping our partners enmeshed will change, will NOT ever change them. If they do not wish to change or get help to change, then relationships at best will be rocky. They will never be the picture of health we so desire. All we can do is change us. And so, I have chosen to change. With help, I am accepting that I am not his savior and that is ok. It wasn't my job to be. I am accepting that I am a person worth having, especially to myself. And I am learning that I can learn to make right choices in time, if I allow myself the time to grow and not try to take on another sick person.
Yesterday, I made a big step. Painful but necessary to move forward to something better. I filed for divorce. I am letting him go..... and saving myself. My heart wanted me to send him a letter to let him know it is not what I wanted and to cry out. But I will not. By his silence, he has said he will no longer listen. So he will just receive the papers to sign and I will learn to move on without justifying and defending my actions to him anymore. I will no longer have to deal with his mother and her sick views. The boys and I will be whole. We will laugh, love, cry and live life the way it was meant to be lived. Sane and healthy.
The pain of this broken relationship with someone who I love dearly, is a bit tough but I believe I will heal in time. Will I ever reconcile with the love I have for him? Only time will tell. I am realizing the bigger picture much clearer now. Several things. If he had really wanted this to work, he would have gotten help long before and not avoided me these last several months. I can see now that subconsciously, he was looking for his mother's approval through me and from me. Amazed, you put it well when you said I was getting nothing in return. And that is painful to accept. I know now that he is still a little boy seeking his mother's approval and acceptance. NOTHING I did or could do was going to change that as long as he accepted no self responsibility to get help. All the begging, wishing, hoping our partners enmeshed will change, will NOT ever change them. If they do not wish to change or get help to change, then relationships at best will be rocky. They will never be the picture of health we so desire. All we can do is change us. And so, I have chosen to change. With help, I am accepting that I am not his savior and that is ok. It wasn't my job to be. I am accepting that I am a person worth having, especially to myself. And I am learning that I can learn to make right choices in time, if I allow myself the time to grow and not try to take on another sick person.
Yesterday, I made a big step. Painful but necessary to move forward to something better. I filed for divorce. I am letting him go..... and saving myself. My heart wanted me to send him a letter to let him know it is not what I wanted and to cry out. But I will not. By his silence, he has said he will no longer listen. So he will just receive the papers to sign and I will learn to move on without justifying and defending my actions to him anymore. I will no longer have to deal with his mother and her sick views. The boys and I will be whole. We will laugh, love, cry and live life the way it was meant to be lived. Sane and healthy.