New Member... Close to Having Enough

[manny]

Hello everyone. My name is Manny, and I am female, age 19. I was looking for information on covert incest... when do you know it's severe? when do you not??

My father calls me alot to talk about his problems, and even talks about his sex life with me even when I make it clear I dont want to hear that kinds of stuff...

Tonight, my father called me from a bar and a girl in the background said 'are you gonna f**k me'... and I really couldn't believe what I was hearing and my dad said hold on, and i guess he doesn't know how to cover the phone... but then he said... 'aren't you only 19?' (THAT IS MY AGE!!!!!!!) and she goes ' no I'm 21 babe' and his friends go yeah she's 21 and he goes 'I'll just have to have a few more drinks than' and then came back to me!....... I can't deal with it! I'm in university and on top of that and my own problems my dad calls me up and tells me things, and leans on, and then... this happens... and......

What do I do!?!

[silverstar]

Hi Manny. It sounds like it has come down to needing to set a boundry. Of course easier said than done, especially with a parent, when we been taught to honor and obey. I have learned that setting a boundry does not mean you don't love the other person, regardless of them being a parent or significant person/friend. I would recommend any of the boundry books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. To quote some things from one of their books "Boundries are not something you set on another person. Boundries are about yourself. When you build a fence around your yard, you do not build it to figure out your neighbor'syard so that you can dictate to him how he is to behave. You build it around your own yard so that you can maintain control of what happens to your own property. Personal boundries do the same. If someone trespasses on your personal boundries in some way, you can take control of yourself and not allow yourself to be controlled, or hurt anymore."
Manny, you may likely need to seek help from a qualified counselor to help you set a boundry in a way to love your dad but not be hurt or controlled by behavior that is not appropriate. Seeking help is not weakness but strength and empowerment for a better future. With covert incest, a lot is about the victim and their partners setting boundries and we all need support in doing that or otherwise, we would not be here posting.
You do have a better future ahead, whether it seems that way at the moment or not. Please keep us posted. I am rooting for you!