Post by wifetobe on Feb 15, 2004 16:17:03 GMT -8
on: Dec 19th, 2003, 12:29pm
Started by victimswife7 | Post by wifetobe
Hi!
This is a little bit awkward for me. I have just recently found the name for what has been affecting my fiancee. It is covert incest. I am getting married very soon, and have already been having dilemmas with MIL and fiancee. She calls him several times a day. Discusses his sexuality and past girlfriends with me. Insists on him sitting in her lap, which he won't do, kisses him on the lips, talks about his butt and other parts, and on and on. He has a problem with anger, rage and alcohol. However, he does realize there is something wrong. He just can't figure out what it is. His mom is paranoid. She always discussed his father with him. She wasconvinced dad was cheating, even with her own sister. She tries to discuss sex with everyone. She tells my fiancee, his two younger brothers, and me about her sex life with her husband. All around icky stuff. She desperately tried to break us up, after to my face acting as if I was the best thing ever for my fiancee. She told me in private he beat his ex-girlfriend, took money from the, talked to her about our sex life, that he resented me, thought I was controlling, told me my parents were awful, and on and on. She uses religion as a crutch to guilt him. When I finally told fiancee everything, he confronted her, after telling me she had said horrible things about me to him. She broke down, cried, said she was sorry she had lied, but she was desperate, b/c she is losing her baby. Then, she convinced him I was lying and manipulating, b/c I was threatened by her. She told him to believe her, b/c she had always been the only one there for him. He used to have problems with his dad. She would make him mad at his dad for how he treated her. Dad, btw, is a good man, hard working, non-drinking man. After he confronted her about the lying, she apologized, and that made everything okay in fiancee's eyes. However, I still am hurt and resentful. She tells him they have a special relationship that others don't understand. Nobody else is as close as they are. She devoted her life to him, and so on. He goes to see her at least once a week, without me. I go on the weekends. I have had a suspicion she stills bad mouths me, but he has not told me about it, until last night.
She is trying to move on to me, now. She asks me about our sex life, tries to guilt me into coming over, and just manioulates everything to make me feel bad. I am a very strong woman, though, and I think that makes the threat worse. She calls me constantly now,too. She tells me she never had a daughter, and she is so happy I am here, now. Yet, she says terrible things about me and my parents to fiancee. She tells my private medical problems to others, which fiancee told her against my wishes a few months ago.
I know this sounds bleak and depressing, but I think and hope there is finally hope. I wanted to tell vistimswife that I ordered a book from called Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners, by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D. It is a short easy read, and very powerful. I got it yesterday, read it and high-lighted areas pertainent, and asked my fiancee to read it. He has already been investigating therapy for his anger problems. It hit home on so many levels. By the 3rd page, he was already talking and telling me all the secret talks they have about me. He readily opened a line of communication. I was terrified he would get mad and lash out at me and go closer to mommy. But, he did not. He shared personal experiences from his youth that have always bothered him, and it was awesome. He feels tremendous guilt, though. I am sure there will be very rocky times coming, because she has such a hold on him, but now he sees he is not crazy. He feels like an ingrate if he says anything negative about her, which is often, but if anyone else says anything, he jumps to her defense. Hetold me he sees I love him, b/c I took the time to research this and buy the silly little 8 dollar book. However, his mom thinks I am evil and searching for ways to tear them apart. Oh well. He is going to share this with his brothers he said, too. I told him to make sure they are at the point to accept it, and not be offended by it.
He can not remember incidents as a child being bad, and he says he was a happy child, but somewhere around 12ish things changed with her. He did compulsively masterbate, moved to magazines, and then moved to pornographic movies. He thought he did that more than the usual guy, but could not figure out why. The book addresses this. also. However, he said that changed after we got together, because something about me was different then past girlfriends.
I know this is long winded, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I am concerned, b/c everytime he gets upset and confronts her about her behavior towards me or him, they fight and then make up, and seem even closer. I am frustrated, b/c I can see this so clearly. He is a 27 year0old man, and she needs to let go. However, he has started bonding with his dad, and he realizes she is wrong and inappropriate, so maybe help is coming and the book jump started it.
Do any of you know of a site for spouses of victims? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Wifetobe
Started by victimswife7 | Post by wifetobe
Hi!
This is a little bit awkward for me. I have just recently found the name for what has been affecting my fiancee. It is covert incest. I am getting married very soon, and have already been having dilemmas with MIL and fiancee. She calls him several times a day. Discusses his sexuality and past girlfriends with me. Insists on him sitting in her lap, which he won't do, kisses him on the lips, talks about his butt and other parts, and on and on. He has a problem with anger, rage and alcohol. However, he does realize there is something wrong. He just can't figure out what it is. His mom is paranoid. She always discussed his father with him. She wasconvinced dad was cheating, even with her own sister. She tries to discuss sex with everyone. She tells my fiancee, his two younger brothers, and me about her sex life with her husband. All around icky stuff. She desperately tried to break us up, after to my face acting as if I was the best thing ever for my fiancee. She told me in private he beat his ex-girlfriend, took money from the, talked to her about our sex life, that he resented me, thought I was controlling, told me my parents were awful, and on and on. She uses religion as a crutch to guilt him. When I finally told fiancee everything, he confronted her, after telling me she had said horrible things about me to him. She broke down, cried, said she was sorry she had lied, but she was desperate, b/c she is losing her baby. Then, she convinced him I was lying and manipulating, b/c I was threatened by her. She told him to believe her, b/c she had always been the only one there for him. He used to have problems with his dad. She would make him mad at his dad for how he treated her. Dad, btw, is a good man, hard working, non-drinking man. After he confronted her about the lying, she apologized, and that made everything okay in fiancee's eyes. However, I still am hurt and resentful. She tells him they have a special relationship that others don't understand. Nobody else is as close as they are. She devoted her life to him, and so on. He goes to see her at least once a week, without me. I go on the weekends. I have had a suspicion she stills bad mouths me, but he has not told me about it, until last night.
She is trying to move on to me, now. She asks me about our sex life, tries to guilt me into coming over, and just manioulates everything to make me feel bad. I am a very strong woman, though, and I think that makes the threat worse. She calls me constantly now,too. She tells me she never had a daughter, and she is so happy I am here, now. Yet, she says terrible things about me and my parents to fiancee. She tells my private medical problems to others, which fiancee told her against my wishes a few months ago.
I know this sounds bleak and depressing, but I think and hope there is finally hope. I wanted to tell vistimswife that I ordered a book from called Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners, by Kenneth M. Adams, Ph.D. It is a short easy read, and very powerful. I got it yesterday, read it and high-lighted areas pertainent, and asked my fiancee to read it. He has already been investigating therapy for his anger problems. It hit home on so many levels. By the 3rd page, he was already talking and telling me all the secret talks they have about me. He readily opened a line of communication. I was terrified he would get mad and lash out at me and go closer to mommy. But, he did not. He shared personal experiences from his youth that have always bothered him, and it was awesome. He feels tremendous guilt, though. I am sure there will be very rocky times coming, because she has such a hold on him, but now he sees he is not crazy. He feels like an ingrate if he says anything negative about her, which is often, but if anyone else says anything, he jumps to her defense. Hetold me he sees I love him, b/c I took the time to research this and buy the silly little 8 dollar book. However, his mom thinks I am evil and searching for ways to tear them apart. Oh well. He is going to share this with his brothers he said, too. I told him to make sure they are at the point to accept it, and not be offended by it.
He can not remember incidents as a child being bad, and he says he was a happy child, but somewhere around 12ish things changed with her. He did compulsively masterbate, moved to magazines, and then moved to pornographic movies. He thought he did that more than the usual guy, but could not figure out why. The book addresses this. also. However, he said that changed after we got together, because something about me was different then past girlfriends.
I know this is long winded, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I am concerned, b/c everytime he gets upset and confronts her about her behavior towards me or him, they fight and then make up, and seem even closer. I am frustrated, b/c I can see this so clearly. He is a 27 year0old man, and she needs to let go. However, he has started bonding with his dad, and he realizes she is wrong and inappropriate, so maybe help is coming and the book jump started it.
Do any of you know of a site for spouses of victims? Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
Wifetobe