Post by scallopina on Jun 18, 2004 16:45:42 GMT -8
hey. i'm the girlfriend of a survivor of incest. i'm 25 and my boyfriend is 21. the only difference is that my boyfriend isn't the one who was abused. it was his sister. when he was 11 and his sister was 9 he caught his father and his sister having sex. b/c of him his father spent 10 years in prison (he's been out of prison less than a year), his mother and sister share a 1 bedroom apt and all of his family on his dad's side is incredibly mean to him. today he got a call from his dad's parole officer. he asked her for some details. his father had been moved to a high-risk group for therapy. he found out that his father had lied, he hadn't had sex with his sister twice but upwards of 70 times and that was his best guess. when asked why he had sex with his daughter he said "because i could." what i don't know is how to be supportive of my boyfriend and urge him to stop letting his dad hurt him. they talk 2-3 times a week but haven't seen each other since his dad went to prison. what's the best way to help him? his dad refers to him as "boy" and never calls him by name.
I am the wife of someone who went through almost this exact situation. As soon as I read you post a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. No it is not good to here someone else has gone through that pain alsol, but if you are still around here I would really like to talk to you. This subject has seriouslu impacted my marriage. Please if you are still around contact me.
OH MY F*CK*NG G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm the partner of a survivor who was also abused by her father. I don't know how many times he did it, or how, and just to try and picture the details brings sick feelings to me. I feel extreme anger towards your boyfriend's father. Only 10 years in prison??? He had sex upwards of 70 times with his sister??? Oh my god, I feel like crying, I can't believe that there are people that not only commit horrendous crimes such as this, but that live up to almost brag about it. My girlfriend's father is in complete denial, but if one day he tells me he did it because he could I will have to have some serious control not to cross some boundaries and turn him into an eunuch.
Anyways, angry feelings aside, now that I took the time to vent.... Your boyfriend would benefit from therapy. He may have been affected by the idea of seeing his father with his sister more than maybe he believes. I think that may still classify as sexual abuse. At least it is in my book. It seems to me there are many possibilities about him talking to his dad. He may have guilty feelings towards his father going to prison. He may also feel some denial about the terrible rapes. Ok, just to bring things into perspective a bit. My dad has flaws. Him and I have our old patterns, and although they feel very real to me, they crumble in comparison with something as horrendous as incest. I love him. But if I ever knew he had touched my sister.... just ONCE. I would say my goodbyes. Not after a full dose of expression on my part, mind you. But I would *not* talk to him 2-3 times a week. And maybe... just maybe after him going for over 20 hypothetical years of therapy and turn out to float like a freaking angel I might say hi and give him a shot to *initiate* a careful relationship with mutual respect. And if he called me boy just ONCE he would be gone, out of my life. I have better respect for myself, and my time is precious to simply waste with people undeserving of my attention, in my opinion. I just thought maybe I would do a little reality check from my point of view... I hope the best for the two of you.