Post by hurtingbuthopeful on Jan 16, 2006 10:16:14 GMT -8
Hi everyone. I am glad I found this site. I am in the process of divorcing (finally!), and my husband is absolutely a victim of covert incest. Too bad and sad that he refuses to help himself.
I have HAD IT- after 14 years, and THREE counselors, I am the one who has changed and is moving on.
The ultimate irony is the very first counselor we saw NAILED the diagnosis and sent us home with a copy of Dr. Adams book (Silently Seduced). He took one look at that book and visibly recoiled. Didn't even crack the cover! I of course ate it up, but sadly that's where my issues come into play. Still, I stayed with him, even though he evaded, kept on being STUCK, withdrew his affection, intimacy, acknowledgment of me.
Learning about this, and learning to adjust my own behavior has been a LOOOOOOONG, frustrating and agonizing process.
Looking back on all these years, if I had a dime for every time I said in anger and frustration: "I'm not your mother! I won't be your mother! She doesn't live here!"
ha= he made sure she always was up in our household- even when she was nowhere around physically.
Even after his father died, and though he has a brother, my husband has become the one she focuses on so much.
The worst part has been watching him suffer, as he is so obviously screwed up over his feelings- he HATES her, yet is so conflicted (not okay to feel you hate your mother). Petrified man-boy could never ever confront her. Even when he has been cruel and mean to her, she still comes back, looking for the emotional support and care she has never been able to find anywhere and from anyone in her entire life (and she is 78!) Then he uses her crazy behavior to justify why he won't "deal" with her, i.e., "she is just going to do whatever she wants anyway!"
Ack. Calmly pointing out that it is up to all of us as ADULTS to point out to mother that she is behaving inappropriately, that she does not acknowledge boundaries, and that her BEHAVIOR is unacceptable. Apparently, though neither he nor his brother is capable of naming any REAL world consequences to requiring this of mother, they RESIST.
The passive=aggressive behavior has been what I most have resented and had trouble dealing with.
Sigh.
I am trying to find a local support group, now that I have "graduated" per my therapist. I would like to have a support group environment, but still see my therapist like once every three months.
Does anyone here know of any support group that is appropriate for us? I only know about 12 step groups for addiction/sexual abuse. Is there anything for partners of Covert incest survivors?
THANKS!
I have HAD IT- after 14 years, and THREE counselors, I am the one who has changed and is moving on.
The ultimate irony is the very first counselor we saw NAILED the diagnosis and sent us home with a copy of Dr. Adams book (Silently Seduced). He took one look at that book and visibly recoiled. Didn't even crack the cover! I of course ate it up, but sadly that's where my issues come into play. Still, I stayed with him, even though he evaded, kept on being STUCK, withdrew his affection, intimacy, acknowledgment of me.
Learning about this, and learning to adjust my own behavior has been a LOOOOOOONG, frustrating and agonizing process.
Looking back on all these years, if I had a dime for every time I said in anger and frustration: "I'm not your mother! I won't be your mother! She doesn't live here!"
ha= he made sure she always was up in our household- even when she was nowhere around physically.
Even after his father died, and though he has a brother, my husband has become the one she focuses on so much.
The worst part has been watching him suffer, as he is so obviously screwed up over his feelings- he HATES her, yet is so conflicted (not okay to feel you hate your mother). Petrified man-boy could never ever confront her. Even when he has been cruel and mean to her, she still comes back, looking for the emotional support and care she has never been able to find anywhere and from anyone in her entire life (and she is 78!) Then he uses her crazy behavior to justify why he won't "deal" with her, i.e., "she is just going to do whatever she wants anyway!"
Ack. Calmly pointing out that it is up to all of us as ADULTS to point out to mother that she is behaving inappropriately, that she does not acknowledge boundaries, and that her BEHAVIOR is unacceptable. Apparently, though neither he nor his brother is capable of naming any REAL world consequences to requiring this of mother, they RESIST.
The passive=aggressive behavior has been what I most have resented and had trouble dealing with.
Sigh.
I am trying to find a local support group, now that I have "graduated" per my therapist. I would like to have a support group environment, but still see my therapist like once every three months.
Does anyone here know of any support group that is appropriate for us? I only know about 12 step groups for addiction/sexual abuse. Is there anything for partners of Covert incest survivors?
THANKS!