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Post by snowdove on Jun 30, 2004 8:12:03 GMT -8
hi,
I have been married 6 yrs. My husand's mom died 5 yrs ago. At the time I didn't know alot or notice alot. I didn't know his dad. But his mom would treat him more like a husand at times than a son. Not phy. but emotionally.
It wasn't very noticeable but just something wasn't right. Then she would talk about my husband's stepdad like a dog sometimes. When she died. My husband took that so hard. It know when a parent dies it is hard but this was different. I can't explain it. Too, when she died he changed sort of. He is a good person don't get me wrong but he got more critical of me. How I did things , what I didn't do or whatever.
I have talked to him about that.
How can you tell if someone had emotional incest in the family. From what I know I think his dad was gone alot. I think he drank alot. His dad.
My husband just got all this praise from his mom. Maybe I am wrong but he just changed so much when she died. Like he still hasn't gotten over her death. Almost, like he feels guilty or something.
He is addicted to Porn too. That is very hard on me. He never did it before we got married but I wonder if that could be a symptom of emotional incest.
Thanks . If anyone could help me with symptoms I would appreciate it.
Snowdove
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Post by jewel on Aug 15, 2004 21:53:34 GMT -8
My current boyfriend is adicted to porn, sex, and mastrubation. He is aware of his problem and is working toward a solution. Our biggest issue seems to be that he wants to kick this on his own but I believe he needs outside help. Like an alchoholic, those with sexual adiction are using something to dissociate themselves from their feelings.
Your husband, does he believe that he has a problem? It isn't always neccessary to have a diagnosis in the psychological world, just an awarness of a problem and a willingness for change and acceptance of help.
If you are able to I would suggest talking to him about how TEXTyouTEXT feel. Don't accuse him of anything, just say "I feel ..., when you... , because... " That is what my therapist suggested I do with my mother with whom I am working on breaking the enmeshment. If he argues, acknowledge his point of view and repeat your earlier statement "That may be true, but I feel... " etc. Don't get into circular arguements that don't help.
Seek counseling for yourself as well. Those of us who feel overcritisized by those we love need support to work throuh those feelings and possibly the strength to make the choice to stay and protect ourselves or leave.
I love my man. No matter what he does,
I don't think that I will leave, even if he goes to a prostitute, which he has done in previous relationships even though would hurt me like crazy. Still, if he wasn't aware of his problems and working for change I probably couldn't stay.
Good luck
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Post by snowdove on Aug 15, 2004 23:37:24 GMT -8
Hi, Thank you for posting. I think my husband knows he has a problem and he knows how I feel I think. or I have tried to explain like you said in the past that ....
I feel this way or that way without pointing a figure.
I can see some small changes in him. I am praying for him and hope he will continue. I am using some online support for myself. thank you, snowdove
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Post by lucy on Aug 17, 2004 5:18:32 GMT -8
Hi Snowdove-
My personal experience is limited obviously to my own situation - I am by no means an expert....just someone who has felt the incredible and devastating effects of emotional incest. I am currently working on an introduction post and I'll go into more detail there.
As far as what you wrote - an absent father and a doting or praising mother indeed does seem to set up thne grounds for emotional incest. It certainly did in my husbands situation as his mother sort of (well not just sort of) turned him into her emotional spouse and caretaker in his fathers absence. My MIL was also a very active, out of control alcoholic so my DH had to take care of the family. Ha! He is still the only adult.
I sympathize with you - and can imagine that even if your MIL has passed on, that perhaps the effects of your DH's childhood have stayed with him. Guilt knows no boundries - even if your MIL is not alive does not mean that your husband has been allieviated of the burden. Emotional incest is hard to see - but its real, and movng great distances away from a situation or losing the parent in death does not break the bonds. Our therapist once said "the umbilical cord can stretch a long way!" (my DH has moved 1500 miles away from his "family")
Trust your instincts, and take care of your needs, as they are very real. I'll try and write more after I get through my big intro
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Post by snowdove on Aug 17, 2004 7:01:42 GMT -8
Hi Lucy, thank you for posting. yes it is truely hard. I am a codepent person but am learning to deal that too so I can see how I easily was attracted to my husband even though I didn't know about his porn problem and perhaps emotional inscest. I really do think he suffers from alot of guilt and stuff. He isn't willing right now to admit the porn problem but I am praying and hoping and taking care of me right now.
I will look for your post too. There is a good site
Sister's against Porn if you would be interested. It is similar to this site.
Thank you and I appreciate your help. It is so hard to deal with some of this now because I don't know what is going on. Know what I mean.
Hugs, snowdove
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Post by snowdove on Aug 17, 2004 7:05:50 GMT -8
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Post by Cicero on Jul 9, 2005 11:22:59 GMT -8
Hi Snowdove- My personal experience is limited obviously to my own situation - I am by no means an expert....just someone who has felt the incredible and devastating effects of emotional incest. I am currently working on an introduction post and I'll go into more detail there. As far as what you wrote - an absent father and a doting or praising mother indeed does seem to set up thne grounds for emotional incest. It certainly did in my husbands situation as his mother sort of (well not just sort of) turned him into her emotional spouse and caretaker in his fathers absence. My MIL was also a very active, out of control alcoholic so my DH had to take care of the family. Ha! He is still the only adult. I sympathize with you - and can imagine that even if your MIL has passed on, that perhaps the effects of your DH's childhood have stayed with him. Guilt knows no boundries - even if your MIL is not alive does not mean that your husband has been allieviated of the burden. Emotional incest is hard to see - but its real, and movng great distances away from a situation or losing the parent in death does not break the bonds. Our therapist once said "the umbilical cord can stretch a long way!" (my DH has moved 1500 miles away from his "family") Trust your instincts, and take care of your needs, as they are very real. I'll try and write more after I get through my big intro Doting is a definite sign. I think it is a way of buying the extreme devotion they seek. |
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