Post by silverstar on Sept 2, 2007 8:31:04 GMT -8
It has been a month now since DH has moved out of the house. It's been day by day for the boys and I. He moved out on the 31st. Before he moved out, I had stayed at my mom's for a few days, coming back to pack my own things in boxes. We were getting along ok under the circumstances. We both had said we loved each other. He did not want to be apart but I didn't know how else we had a chance to try and work things out. He had assumed me in an e-mail prior that he loved me and would not close me out. I had let him know I didn't want to divorce, only separate. He said that he felt that if we had some distance then divorce was only inevitable. 
So, he wasn't even willing to try. Anyway, it worked out so that I could stay in the house and I didn't have to move right away. Once he moved out, he came by a 4 days later to see the boys ( not his but loves them and has been in their lives for several years and they love him too). After that, didn't hear from him. I tried to call a couple of times and went to v-mail. I sent an e-mail but no response. Since it was a new e-mail address for him, I wasn't sure if he was checking to know I had sent something. Then, I went to his work website where they have worker profiles. He had removed all references to the boys and I off of it. Talk about hurt! My boys went by to see him at work for a bit a few days later. He said he was thrilled to see them and that he didn't want things to be this way and that he loved them and missed them. I sent another e-mail after that apologizing for my part of things in the relationship and told him I loved him and always would, that I wish things weren't as they were too and asked him to forgive me. Since I wasn't sure if he was receiving at this e-mail, I CC'd his dad and the first thing I said was "CCing your dad in case you aren't receiving e-mail here in hopes it will get forwarded.
Well, he responded and it was nasty. He told me not to CC his dad, that his dad was under enough stress and he(spouse) would not allow me to e-mail his dad. He said that when we could mutually talk we would but for him, that time was not now. He said he knows now that he should have ended this years ago and never let it get this far. I cried, It was a slap int eh face after he had proclaimed to love me and said he would not shut things down. But.... this is his typical MO. All his past relationships that have ended, he has cut ALL contact off. In a couple of cases that needed to be but one was his best friend for 18 years ( a girl who he had a platonic relationship with). He cut ties with her, his choice, not mine, after he and I started dating 7 years ago. I know she had to have been hurt. He always talked fondly about her but refused to contact her. When she attempted to, I think he told her to stop. The day after getting this e-mail, had asked my son if I could bring he and his brother by work for a quick visit. I did. When I picked them up, my son brought an envelope down for me. Said something that spouse had mentioned that he knew I had a couple of different e-mail addresses and had something forwarded to me. When I opened the envelope, it was a hard copy of the e-mail. As soon as I saw what it was, I ripped it up. No need to read that over again. I thought to myself, when he is ready to "mutually talk" I may not be. I took the boys home, called my cell phone provider and promptly had my number changed. The day before, I had gotten new home service so he didn't have that number. He has e-mailed my youngest son a couple of times, asking how football is going and to keep him updated. Of course, nothing to me. I have not and will not file for divorce. I made it clear I wanted to try and work things out and he slammed the door in my face. He is the one who chose to walk away with no regard. I kept asking myself what did I do wrong. As time goes by, I realize, other than him being physically present in the house and most of furniture gone (it was his prior to marriage), not much is really different. I don't think he has another job yet besides the one in which is only approx. 15 hours a week. He spent most days in bed ( literally) for several hours, being sick with some sickness or another, Bills piled up and he became more depressed. I tried to give him space and not nag. He had no friends outside the marriage, never went anywhere ( said crowds made him nervous but he somehow could find it to go places he wants on occasion) and spent most of the time in his room (separate bedrooms, no relations, his choice) sleeping 12 + hours a day(literally) or watching tv, while I worked 40 hours a week, provided insurance, cleaned house and took the kids to activities and school. He was even know to call me from his cell to bring him something so he didn't have to get up. Only got up to pee or eat and took his meals back to his room. He was always too sick or tired or both to ever come to any school events after the first couple of years, or to any Scouting or anything. Said the extra activities wasn't his thing. So........
he wonders why I felt I needed space to allow us to get help and then cuts me off like the bad person here? He is a great person and I felt if he had tried to work with me to get help, we could have at least had a possible chance. His mom should be happy. She has him all to herself now. She claimed to love my boys so much and having no biological grandchildren of her own(spouse is her only child) took to the boys and was initially very good with them. 2 days ago was her birthday. I did not let the kids send her a card. I started to but.... for the last 3 months, she has made no attempt to contact them or see them. This was prior to spouse and I separating. When I had quit my previous job, she got angry at me (no clue why) and made no attempt to cotact the kids. She berated spouse for having no regular job also and cut him down. But then took it out on me. I never asked her for money or anything. In the last month and a half, I have been able to catch up 2 months worth of back rent and utilities, gas, groceries etc. with a little help but mostly on my paycheck, making slightly less than before. I don't get how we were so bad off it send financially. I am able to take care of the basics and may be able to start saving. If he had gotten off his *&& and gotten any kind of additional work, he wouldn't have had to hide in bed so stressed out, wondering how we were going to pay for stuff. It's called..... get a regular job. He told me that I was putting him in a mold to do that. Sorry but that's what normal people do, especially with kids. And if he loves the kids so much, why didn't he? I have confirmation now that he only stayed with me because of the boys. He is mad because I "took them away" No, he did that on his own. I don't think he will really see that his addictions to his anxiety meds and all have a lot to do with his relationship issues. It's always everyone else's fault. Even though his mom contributed, he is an adult and can get help to set boundaries. His dad, who is very sweet and love the boys too, was planning a camping trip this fall with us. I wonder if that is still a go and I wonder if his dad even knows he cut off from communicating with him ( he lives with dad right now, no rent, no utilities to have to pay). My youngest cries himself to sleep, trying to adjust. We are all sad and angry. I let son know that his step-dad made the choice to cut off completely, not us.
Sorry to make so long, I needed to get this off my chest. Even though I care about him, I wonder why I am beating myself up here for being rejected by him when, as Amazed said a year or so ago, I was getting nothing out of this relationship. I am angry because, were we not worth him getting help and fighting for if he said he loved us? Doesn't someone who loves someone else at least try? I am just trying to understand and maybe it's pointless to because there is no sense to it at all.
The boys and I are slowly moving on. We will be ok. We need time to heal. We are getting help. And we will be strong again.
So, he wasn't even willing to try. Anyway, it worked out so that I could stay in the house and I didn't have to move right away. Once he moved out, he came by a 4 days later to see the boys ( not his but loves them and has been in their lives for several years and they love him too). After that, didn't hear from him. I tried to call a couple of times and went to v-mail. I sent an e-mail but no response. Since it was a new e-mail address for him, I wasn't sure if he was checking to know I had sent something. Then, I went to his work website where they have worker profiles. He had removed all references to the boys and I off of it. Talk about hurt! My boys went by to see him at work for a bit a few days later. He said he was thrilled to see them and that he didn't want things to be this way and that he loved them and missed them. I sent another e-mail after that apologizing for my part of things in the relationship and told him I loved him and always would, that I wish things weren't as they were too and asked him to forgive me. Since I wasn't sure if he was receiving at this e-mail, I CC'd his dad and the first thing I said was "CCing your dad in case you aren't receiving e-mail here in hopes it will get forwarded. Well, he responded and it was nasty. He told me not to CC his dad, that his dad was under enough stress and he(spouse) would not allow me to e-mail his dad. He said that when we could mutually talk we would but for him, that time was not now. He said he knows now that he should have ended this years ago and never let it get this far. I cried, It was a slap int eh face after he had proclaimed to love me and said he would not shut things down. But.... this is his typical MO. All his past relationships that have ended, he has cut ALL contact off. In a couple of cases that needed to be but one was his best friend for 18 years ( a girl who he had a platonic relationship with). He cut ties with her, his choice, not mine, after he and I started dating 7 years ago. I know she had to have been hurt. He always talked fondly about her but refused to contact her. When she attempted to, I think he told her to stop. The day after getting this e-mail, had asked my son if I could bring he and his brother by work for a quick visit. I did. When I picked them up, my son brought an envelope down for me. Said something that spouse had mentioned that he knew I had a couple of different e-mail addresses and had something forwarded to me. When I opened the envelope, it was a hard copy of the e-mail. As soon as I saw what it was, I ripped it up. No need to read that over again. I thought to myself, when he is ready to "mutually talk" I may not be. I took the boys home, called my cell phone provider and promptly had my number changed. The day before, I had gotten new home service so he didn't have that number. He has e-mailed my youngest son a couple of times, asking how football is going and to keep him updated. Of course, nothing to me. I have not and will not file for divorce. I made it clear I wanted to try and work things out and he slammed the door in my face. He is the one who chose to walk away with no regard. I kept asking myself what did I do wrong. As time goes by, I realize, other than him being physically present in the house and most of furniture gone (it was his prior to marriage), not much is really different. I don't think he has another job yet besides the one in which is only approx. 15 hours a week. He spent most days in bed ( literally) for several hours, being sick with some sickness or another, Bills piled up and he became more depressed. I tried to give him space and not nag. He had no friends outside the marriage, never went anywhere ( said crowds made him nervous but he somehow could find it to go places he wants on occasion) and spent most of the time in his room (separate bedrooms, no relations, his choice) sleeping 12 + hours a day(literally) or watching tv, while I worked 40 hours a week, provided insurance, cleaned house and took the kids to activities and school. He was even know to call me from his cell to bring him something so he didn't have to get up. Only got up to pee or eat and took his meals back to his room. He was always too sick or tired or both to ever come to any school events after the first couple of years, or to any Scouting or anything. Said the extra activities wasn't his thing. So........
he wonders why I felt I needed space to allow us to get help and then cuts me off like the bad person here? He is a great person and I felt if he had tried to work with me to get help, we could have at least had a possible chance. His mom should be happy. She has him all to herself now. She claimed to love my boys so much and having no biological grandchildren of her own(spouse is her only child) took to the boys and was initially very good with them. 2 days ago was her birthday. I did not let the kids send her a card. I started to but.... for the last 3 months, she has made no attempt to contact them or see them. This was prior to spouse and I separating. When I had quit my previous job, she got angry at me (no clue why) and made no attempt to cotact the kids. She berated spouse for having no regular job also and cut him down. But then took it out on me. I never asked her for money or anything. In the last month and a half, I have been able to catch up 2 months worth of back rent and utilities, gas, groceries etc. with a little help but mostly on my paycheck, making slightly less than before. I don't get how we were so bad off it send financially. I am able to take care of the basics and may be able to start saving. If he had gotten off his *&& and gotten any kind of additional work, he wouldn't have had to hide in bed so stressed out, wondering how we were going to pay for stuff. It's called..... get a regular job. He told me that I was putting him in a mold to do that. Sorry but that's what normal people do, especially with kids. And if he loves the kids so much, why didn't he? I have confirmation now that he only stayed with me because of the boys. He is mad because I "took them away" No, he did that on his own. I don't think he will really see that his addictions to his anxiety meds and all have a lot to do with his relationship issues. It's always everyone else's fault. Even though his mom contributed, he is an adult and can get help to set boundaries. His dad, who is very sweet and love the boys too, was planning a camping trip this fall with us. I wonder if that is still a go and I wonder if his dad even knows he cut off from communicating with him ( he lives with dad right now, no rent, no utilities to have to pay). My youngest cries himself to sleep, trying to adjust. We are all sad and angry. I let son know that his step-dad made the choice to cut off completely, not us.
Sorry to make so long, I needed to get this off my chest. Even though I care about him, I wonder why I am beating myself up here for being rejected by him when, as Amazed said a year or so ago, I was getting nothing out of this relationship. I am angry because, were we not worth him getting help and fighting for if he said he loved us? Doesn't someone who loves someone else at least try? I am just trying to understand and maybe it's pointless to because there is no sense to it at all.
The boys and I are slowly moving on. We will be ok. We need time to heal. We are getting help. And we will be strong again.