Losing Hope Apr 28, 2005 10:43:04 GMT -8
Post by losinghope on Apr 28, 2005 10:43:04 GMT -8
It's me Losing Hope. I am in a rel'shp with a guy who is indelibly enmeshed with his mother. The major problem at the forefront is that she has Cancer and may die in the next 6 months or so...but no one really knows, I guess Cancer can be that way. I am not really familiar with the process. She has had recurrring Cancer for the past 15 years--starting with Breast Cancer and now moving other places. This is very sad and I don't wish it on anyone. Unfortunately, she receives secondary gains from this illness, in my opinion, using it to manipulate my bf--before the illness--it was other things to manipulate him and create guilt so he does what she wants.
They talk to each other at least 2 times a day, some days even more. She calls most evenings during our time together or when we are at restaurants--he always answers it wherever we are--not concerned that it's interrupting moments with me. If i question it, he tells me I am selfish and that he needs to be there for her because she is sick. Even when she was not sick, he behaved the same way.
He moved in with me about a year ago and pretty much since the first month he moved in her Cancer came back...he became and still is distant, withdrawn, drinking heavily every night and using nicotine all day. He has gained weight and clearly in unconcerned with his appearance. He watches excessive TV and computer games, etc. When I complain, he says again i am selfish and should understand what he's going through and need to get my needs met in other ways. Well, she received treatment and it went away for a few months, he seemed to get better emotionally, now a year later it is back and here we go again...he is slowly withdrawing, the little progress we have made toward a commitment seems distant, the couples work we began recently pushed aside...again,...it's like I'm waving goodbye to him as he sinks again into the void. When I try to ask questions about what is happening with her or plans he has with regard to going back home to see her--he gets irriitated--I get frustrated--then he tells me this (my frustration) is why he can't tell me anything. Says to leave him alone.
Other things I have noticed in the past year that makes me think he's an emotional incest victim is the types of conversations they have--very deep and involved and lengthy--the content, to me, seems to be that one would share with a spouse...when he hangs up it's like he has no more capacity to discuss anything else--like his reserves are just dried up...if i need to talk about something--he can't go there. When we visit her together, upon walking in she immediately asks him for a foot rub and she jumps on the bed and puts her feet in his lap as i sit across the room and watch them. Sometimes I go and take a nap only to return to the living room finding her rubbing his legs and feet as he lays there in this state of relaxation and enjoyment...that just feels so weird to me. She tries to hold his hand while we are all walking in public. She tries to talk to me about whether or not we're having sex--she's a staunch Catholic--and tells me that he tells her he sleeps on couch every night...asking me if that's true or not. I just really get the feeling like she's 'another woman'---like he's having an affair with someone.
I have tried to tell him this--and he just tells me that i have a problem and am jealous and selfish...how could i think these things, especially of a sick woman. I did not mention she has Bipolar Disorder...i'm sure that plays a large role in this, too. He loves to write and writes elaborate stories about the influence she had on him as a child and there moments together..that he is her soul child --he favorite over his only sister. she has told me this, too. In front of me, on more than one occasion she has said that she wishes he would become a Priest and makes little inuendos time and again to the tune of--'iit's not too late to become a Priest'--right in front of me.
I feel so horrible inside. I feel like I hate her and am glad she is dying. These feelings make me think I should leave him, because I don't think i can be good for him feeling this way. I get this feeling that he will never be free to live until she dies. maybe he's right--maybe i'm selfish and immature...and if so, what can I do? I'm willing to get help, I'm willing to recognize my own darkness or issues....just feel so f'n hopeless. I don't think I can live through this dying process again....especially if she does not die--she gets better again and then gets sick again next year...the whole time he orbits around her emotionally and unable to contribute to other rel'shps wholly. I am going to be 34 soon and want marriage andkids---I see no light at the end of this tunnel---
Would it be terrible iif I had to leave him to protect my own sanity and health? I feel so bad leaving him with his mother possibly about to die...but just don't think i can face another of year putting 'us' on hold and living around a withdrawn and preoccupied person that has stated over and over again that he cannot help me or comfort me and i need to get my needs met elsewhere right now---