Post by dancergrl on Dec 30, 2005 0:26:51 GMT -8
Hi, all~
This is kind of long, but here goes...
I am soon to be an ex-wife (I've filed for divorce but it's not final yet) of a man who I believe to be a survivor of covert incest from his mother. I know that this is technically no longer an issue in my own life, but I need to confirm my suspicions and get some kind of closure in order to move on with my own life.
My ex's mother passed away before we met, so I never saw them interact together. But I've heard stories from him, his family, and his friends, and I can only conclude that covert incest was indeed going on. The father was abusive to the mother, mostly verbally and sometimes physically, but not with the kids. He also gambled a lot, was very narcissistic, and so was not a real partner to his wife. It seems like she kind of played the martyr in a subtle way, so as to make you feel sorry for her, without you knowing she was doing it. My ex admitted that his mother kind of looked to his older brother to be the man of the house sometimes, and confided her problems and feelings to him, since she couldn't confide in the father--but he only admitted it about his brother, never saying that he took up the reins when his brother left home. However, I do think she did the same with my ex when his older brothers moved out (the confidante moved to a different state) away--my ex was the last one to leave home.
To my ex, his mother was a saint, could do no wrong, and if anyone in the family spoke negatively of her or criticized her even in a subtle way, he would get angry at them for doing so. I would have to rely on others for an accurate, human picture of her, with her warts and all. He would never say what her faults were. I felt somehow compared to her in his mind, even though he never overtly said anything to this effect. Somehow, I knew there was a shrine to her in him, that I could never touch. He always said I was a lot like her (we were the same zodiac sign), which was very telling. I always felt like he wanted me to treat him like she treated him: with kid gloves. He prefered to be treated as special, like she treated him, and in the moments when I was annoyed with him and didn't, he resented it. He behaved like a child with me sometimes--wanting to be mothered, taken care of. I had to do most of the logistical work in the marriage--making phone calls and reservations, arranging repairs, fixing broken things in the house, cooking cleaning, laundry, rarely offering to take up the slack. He wanted me to listen to his problems and feelings, though, all of the time--she ALWAYS did. I couldn't live my own life--both of us were living his. I was like a mother who was always supporting her kid, at the expense of my own life.
Sexually, he would prefer masturbating to either porn or fantasies in his head, to making love to me. We had sex only a low number of times in our whole relationship. He would say it was habit from being single for years before he met me, but I've read here that other CI survivor men have done the same thing, so maybe there's something related. He did tell me that he never used me in a fantasy, but he did use other women. He loved me too much to use me that way, he said. He obviously had a problem meshing love and sex. Which would make sense if he saw me equivalent to his mother.
That's the jist of it, anyway. Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories here--good to know I wasn't nuts!!! I knew nothing physical had happened, but I never knew about CI even existing until recently. Thanks as well for informing me!!
This is kind of long, but here goes...
I am soon to be an ex-wife (I've filed for divorce but it's not final yet) of a man who I believe to be a survivor of covert incest from his mother. I know that this is technically no longer an issue in my own life, but I need to confirm my suspicions and get some kind of closure in order to move on with my own life.
My ex's mother passed away before we met, so I never saw them interact together. But I've heard stories from him, his family, and his friends, and I can only conclude that covert incest was indeed going on. The father was abusive to the mother, mostly verbally and sometimes physically, but not with the kids. He also gambled a lot, was very narcissistic, and so was not a real partner to his wife. It seems like she kind of played the martyr in a subtle way, so as to make you feel sorry for her, without you knowing she was doing it. My ex admitted that his mother kind of looked to his older brother to be the man of the house sometimes, and confided her problems and feelings to him, since she couldn't confide in the father--but he only admitted it about his brother, never saying that he took up the reins when his brother left home. However, I do think she did the same with my ex when his older brothers moved out (the confidante moved to a different state) away--my ex was the last one to leave home.
To my ex, his mother was a saint, could do no wrong, and if anyone in the family spoke negatively of her or criticized her even in a subtle way, he would get angry at them for doing so. I would have to rely on others for an accurate, human picture of her, with her warts and all. He would never say what her faults were. I felt somehow compared to her in his mind, even though he never overtly said anything to this effect. Somehow, I knew there was a shrine to her in him, that I could never touch. He always said I was a lot like her (we were the same zodiac sign), which was very telling. I always felt like he wanted me to treat him like she treated him: with kid gloves. He prefered to be treated as special, like she treated him, and in the moments when I was annoyed with him and didn't, he resented it. He behaved like a child with me sometimes--wanting to be mothered, taken care of. I had to do most of the logistical work in the marriage--making phone calls and reservations, arranging repairs, fixing broken things in the house, cooking cleaning, laundry, rarely offering to take up the slack. He wanted me to listen to his problems and feelings, though, all of the time--she ALWAYS did. I couldn't live my own life--both of us were living his. I was like a mother who was always supporting her kid, at the expense of my own life.
Sexually, he would prefer masturbating to either porn or fantasies in his head, to making love to me. We had sex only a low number of times in our whole relationship. He would say it was habit from being single for years before he met me, but I've read here that other CI survivor men have done the same thing, so maybe there's something related. He did tell me that he never used me in a fantasy, but he did use other women. He loved me too much to use me that way, he said. He obviously had a problem meshing love and sex. Which would make sense if he saw me equivalent to his mother.
That's the jist of it, anyway. Thanks to all of you for sharing your stories here--good to know I wasn't nuts!!! I knew nothing physical had happened, but I never knew about CI even existing until recently. Thanks as well for informing me!!