:)Yes I have to agree it really is a good book if you are looking for something to confirm what you are going through, that way you don't feel like you are going insane. One thing the book lacked was solutions. It really didn't give much information on how to address your spouse and how to help them see the light!
I just ordered the book by Kenneth M. Adams, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Parners: Understanding Covert Incest. Although I really want to understand this whole covert incest thing, I also want to know what it is I can do to help this wonderful man; 1) realize that it's not a healthy relationship he has with his mother & 2) help him deal with and heal from this. Are there any books out there that will help deal with those issues....understanding the situation & how it became a situation is one thing, but how do we work through it!!?
Those are both great books! But you're right....they don't tell you what to do. All I've really gotten is that you need to set boundries and consider cutting the parent out temporarily or in some cases permanently. Easier said than done though. I guess those are really tough questions to answer considering each situation and parent can't really be generalized. That's when a counselor comes in handy because they can help you figure out how to handle every new thing that happens with the enmeshed parent.
I don't know if this helps, but in my situation it started by getting my husband to read the books and recognize that this was a problem. From there we started counseling, which didn't solve the problem, but it taught us how to work together when it came to his mom rather than fighting about every little thing. As more and more came out he was finally able to realize how much he had been hurt and how much it was hurting me and he told her that he needs to cut her out for a while. Rather than explaining it all and giving her a chance to fight back, my husband told her to read silently seduced. She obviously didn't take this news gracefully, but our compromise is that she is allowed to call me occasionally if there is something that happens in the extended family that we need to know about, or to tell her how my husband and our kids are doing. It took about 2 years from the time we discovered covert incest and my husband cutting his mom out of our lives, but in that time we learned to work together so now he doesn't have as much guilt about not answering her calls because he knows that he can trust me to keep safe contact with her while he continues therapy and learns how to handle it on his own. I can't say that this works for sure because it had only been a few weeks since he cut her out.....but it's working so far (knock on wood).