Post by brokenheart on Dec 28, 2012 6:18:16 GMT -8
I have a problem that takes time to explain. Here's the gist. I met my fiance and after 2 months he proposed. This freaked me out and I declined but remained friends. He really pressured me for a relationship but I just wasn't there with it. I was on eharmony and seeking a relationship but the constant pressure and a few odd jealous acts scared me from going further. I agreed to date but didn't agree to exclusivity. He felt we were exclusive and was head over heels in love with me. I was talking to someone else and he discovered it. It hurt him deeply. This was not someone I chose over him because I hadn't chosen anyone yet. I actually turned this guy down because he wasn't emotionally ready. Then I realized that I owed my fiance a chance that he was genuine and I was definitely drawn to him. We proceeded to date, I fell in love but he never got over the perceived betrayal. We got engaged and at times he seems head over heels then other times I feel like I am paying for a debt I do not owe. Now he's discovered the emotional incest with his mom and is entertaining the idea that whatever I did changed his heart for me and he reacted with the same boundary(wall) he did with his mom. We are headed to a break up as he has withdrawn his love and is trying to figure this out. I have been rock solid, in love and good to him for 10 months but it's like he chooses not to love anymore. Is there hope? HOw can this ever be solved. I am heart sick.
WOW Brokenheart I don't know what to say. Sad that no one has responded all this time and hope that changes because I find this site to be an amazing resource. All I can share with you is that my partner is also CI with his mother and he has also been diagnosed with BPD. I think that heavy CI can actually cause BPD issues or symptoms. With my guy I have to be very careful not to trigger his fear of abandonment. I recall once we were in a grocery store and I just mentioned that I wanted to go on a holiday if he was going to be away for a few months. The place I mentioned is a mecca for cougar women apparently but I didn't have any idea. I was just sulky because I knew I was going to miss him and that time of year would be hard without him. He internalized it as rejection and that I wanted to screw other men and that I wasn't loyal to him. This is the logic of a person with such fears because of CI and how terribly it warps them. I know exactly what you mean by everything you have written and I'm very sad for you because without a lot of therapy I'm not sure if there is hope because they will repeat the same behaviors and think the same way.