Post by hannajo on Apr 21, 2012 10:14:12 GMT -8
I've been married for 2 years. Years before we met, my husband and his dad bought a two-family house (duplex). He and his parents lived in it as one big house. When we married, we decided to stay there in order to save money. It also made pragmatic sense since his parents are older, and often need help. As it turns out, he is the spouse to each of his parents, and then tries to fit me in. Before we were married, I noticed an unhealthy pattern with his sister, where she lives irresponsibly, then calls him to bail her out of whatever financial trouble she's gotten herself into. Before I agreed to marry him, I told him I could not accept that, and insisted that we only have joint accounts. In my head, I thought, this is was spouses do for each other, not brothers and sisters. I would never ask my brother to cosign a $30,000 car for me. That's a huge reason people get married, so you have intimate support of another person... I chose to marry him in spite of some red flags, on the basis of if the worse I can say about him is he's overly-generous, I'm doing pretty good. The sister has never really accepted me, and I'm sure a large part of that is that she blames me for ending her gravy train.
I have never felt welcomed in this home. Even though each couple technically has their own apartment and living space, I am living in their (the 3 of them) home and feel inspected all the time. Their marriage lacks intimacy, and before I moved in, they were in separate bedrooms for many years. MIL will only go out if it's my husband and her alone, not with me or her own husband. My husband is basically the buffer between the two of them in an unhappy marriage. Boundaries basically didn't exist before I moved there. His dad would come into our room and fix things while we were away. I had to tell my husband to ask his dad to not come into our bedroom. He's in his 80's and not a bad guy. I can deal with him fiddling in our living room, or rearranging things in our kitchen. But it didn't occur to my husband that I might not want his dad in our bedroom, just for the sake of boundaries. I'm close with my family, but there was always respect for each other's physical and emotional space.
We planned to have children as soon as possible after we married. To say it bluntly, my husband has had an issue with impotence since we married. At first, I just told myself that since we didn't have sex before marriage, we just needed time to get comfortable with each other sexually. He then told me he had a problem with viewing porn. I basically flipped out and told him, "not in my house," which was nothing new to him. He knew how I felt about that from when we were dating. Then, one night he ended up telling me that he and his sister were sexually involved from the time he was 8yo, and she was 10yo. It lasted several years since they shared a bedroom, and stopped when she started having boyfriends in high school. I have never been so shocked in all my life. As hurtful as it was to hear, in that instant, everything made sense, as to why things happened how they did. He cannot bring himself to call it "abuse," because of her age. But he has all the effects as one who has been abused by an adult. Also, because of her age, it's pretty obvious she was abused herself. So, now I'm paranoid about every member of his family. I look at his 82yo frail dad (step-dad to the sister) - could the monster be him? Could the monster have been one of my husband's creepy cousins? his brother? did the sister grow up to be a monster? All I know, is that if we do ever have children, I will never let them alone with any member of his family.
Sorry for my rambling. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I don't even know if I'm in the right forum for this kind of situation. I have been unable to find info on this specific type of abuse - female child-to-male child incest. If anyone knows of any resources, I would love to find something. If you're still reading, thanks.
I have never felt welcomed in this home. Even though each couple technically has their own apartment and living space, I am living in their (the 3 of them) home and feel inspected all the time. Their marriage lacks intimacy, and before I moved in, they were in separate bedrooms for many years. MIL will only go out if it's my husband and her alone, not with me or her own husband. My husband is basically the buffer between the two of them in an unhappy marriage. Boundaries basically didn't exist before I moved there. His dad would come into our room and fix things while we were away. I had to tell my husband to ask his dad to not come into our bedroom. He's in his 80's and not a bad guy. I can deal with him fiddling in our living room, or rearranging things in our kitchen. But it didn't occur to my husband that I might not want his dad in our bedroom, just for the sake of boundaries. I'm close with my family, but there was always respect for each other's physical and emotional space.
We planned to have children as soon as possible after we married. To say it bluntly, my husband has had an issue with impotence since we married. At first, I just told myself that since we didn't have sex before marriage, we just needed time to get comfortable with each other sexually. He then told me he had a problem with viewing porn. I basically flipped out and told him, "not in my house," which was nothing new to him. He knew how I felt about that from when we were dating. Then, one night he ended up telling me that he and his sister were sexually involved from the time he was 8yo, and she was 10yo. It lasted several years since they shared a bedroom, and stopped when she started having boyfriends in high school. I have never been so shocked in all my life. As hurtful as it was to hear, in that instant, everything made sense, as to why things happened how they did. He cannot bring himself to call it "abuse," because of her age. But he has all the effects as one who has been abused by an adult. Also, because of her age, it's pretty obvious she was abused herself. So, now I'm paranoid about every member of his family. I look at his 82yo frail dad (step-dad to the sister) - could the monster be him? Could the monster have been one of my husband's creepy cousins? his brother? did the sister grow up to be a monster? All I know, is that if we do ever have children, I will never let them alone with any member of his family.
Sorry for my rambling. I have no one to talk to about this. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I don't even know if I'm in the right forum for this kind of situation. I have been unable to find info on this specific type of abuse - female child-to-male child incest. If anyone knows of any resources, I would love to find something. If you're still reading, thanks.