Post by abitlost on Feb 22, 2011 17:22:04 GMT -8
I do hope someone could help me with some advice. Probably like most others here, I found this site through the process of trying to find answers to questions I just can’t get my head around. My partner is a widower, who has an adult daughter in her 30’s. He can tend to workaholism & selfishness. Since he travelled for his job quite often, it seems he’s late wife dedicated her existence to their only child, a daughter. They did everything together and considered each other best friends. He was basically free to do his own thing with the occasional “date” night when he was around. From all that I can tell, his marriage may not have been perfect but it worked for them. However, they never established boundaries for the daughter.
I met him a year into his widowhood (whole new experience). At which time his daughter was still living with him & playing “wife”. Cooking, cleaning, long talks, going out to dinner, shopping, visiting relatives, vacations, theatres, concerts, weddings, funerals and of course paying homage to the late wife - a partnership in all ways except intimacy. After a short while of dating (month/ month & ½), I realized something was just not right. My Mother used to tell me when I started dating “If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Trust your gut.” And Boy, as I got older did I recognize the wisdom of that statement. The daughter called a few times a day, just to see how he was doing. He called in to her as well. I was being treated very much as the “other woman”. I finally told him he was doing her an injustice and should help her to create her own life. Yes, there were many arguments but I held my ground in as much of a supportive fashion as I could. Finally, I told him either he gets professional help or I no longer wanted to be involved with him.
Baby steps, the daughter moved out. He is seeing a counselor but it seems only once every 2 months (she refuses to). Daughter still calls, fills his frig for his return from business trips, drops him off/ picks him up at airports, washes his sheets, etc.. She fights her father's relationship with me with every weapon. I can always tell when he has spent time either with her or on the phone because he becomes sarcastic/ picky & argumentative with me. He sounds over confident if that makes any sense, as if alls right with the world now. It’s so creepy.
I certainly believe they should have a healthy loving relationship & I would never stand in the way. She is his daughter & always will be. Shouldn't most of these things be done by a partner? When is close too close? From what I’ve read it sure seems like covert incest to me. I’m more than happy to agree if isn’t though. My big question is if it is, can you get past it? If so, how?
I met him a year into his widowhood (whole new experience). At which time his daughter was still living with him & playing “wife”. Cooking, cleaning, long talks, going out to dinner, shopping, visiting relatives, vacations, theatres, concerts, weddings, funerals and of course paying homage to the late wife - a partnership in all ways except intimacy. After a short while of dating (month/ month & ½), I realized something was just not right. My Mother used to tell me when I started dating “If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. Trust your gut.” And Boy, as I got older did I recognize the wisdom of that statement. The daughter called a few times a day, just to see how he was doing. He called in to her as well. I was being treated very much as the “other woman”. I finally told him he was doing her an injustice and should help her to create her own life. Yes, there were many arguments but I held my ground in as much of a supportive fashion as I could. Finally, I told him either he gets professional help or I no longer wanted to be involved with him.
Baby steps, the daughter moved out. He is seeing a counselor but it seems only once every 2 months (she refuses to). Daughter still calls, fills his frig for his return from business trips, drops him off/ picks him up at airports, washes his sheets, etc.. She fights her father's relationship with me with every weapon. I can always tell when he has spent time either with her or on the phone because he becomes sarcastic/ picky & argumentative with me. He sounds over confident if that makes any sense, as if alls right with the world now. It’s so creepy.
I certainly believe they should have a healthy loving relationship & I would never stand in the way. She is his daughter & always will be. Shouldn't most of these things be done by a partner? When is close too close? From what I’ve read it sure seems like covert incest to me. I’m more than happy to agree if isn’t though. My big question is if it is, can you get past it? If so, how?
