Post by theotherwoman on Mar 24, 2010 16:09:01 GMT -8
:-[I am sitting here in tears with joy that there are other people in similar situations as I am. I'm not 'happy' but you know how isolating these situations are. I wasn't sure initially if this was the right place or even the right name for what I've been dealing with but I read about 10 posts from other people and about 4 of them were writing about my BF.I got together with"Steve" about 5+ years ago and we immediately hit it off. He was 23 I was 25, almost 26. I had just returned from Basic Training when I met him and he had just graduated from college. He lived with his mother (divorced) and his maternal grandfather who was in his nineties. I had my own apartment which he stayed almost every night within a month or two. He had one friends visiting from out of state and we all went out and stayed at my apartment. My downstairs neighbor flipped out on me for the noise and Steve got into an argument with the neighbor and the landlord and they decided it would be in everyones best interest for us to leave the apt. I was so pissed b/c his friends were out of control and he just laughed.
In the mean time I found out we were pregnant. He was very excited until He realized that at the end of the month we would have nowhere to live so he suggested we move in with his mother. He said she has a big house and wouldn't mind us staying there until we find another apartment. Against Everyone's advice we moved into her house. Everything was OK in the beginning once we settled into scheduling. I would take care of the cleaning and cooking and paid the phone bill as my parents live an hour away. I asked him what she said about me being pregnant and he turned around and said he would rather tell her when we get our own place. I was upset 1. because why would he not tell her now and 2. i was uncomfortable living in her house lying to her. In January there was a big snowstorm over night and Steve's mother woke me up to go out and shovel the driveway. I woke Steve and told him I couldn't shovel as i was now 5 months pregnant and had had some spotting. He said I had to because she had mentioned I wasn't doing much to help her. (scrubbing floors, bathing her elderly father and cooking dinner was apparently not good enough.) Reluctantly I went out and shoveled which led to bleeding and an emergency room visit to find out I had placenta previa. I told him he had to tell her...still said no. She started to become jealous of our "giggling and bantering" which made her feel alone. Then she started making comments about how she hated when women my age let their stomachs go. I just wanted to tell her the truth but figured it wasn't my place. I found an apartment for us as soon as possible and the leasing agent had left a message on the machine. His mother flipped out that she was glad we discussed this with her..."I guess my opinion doesn't matter since you two are a couple now".
I told him he needs to tell her right now b/c she is going to have to be more understanding of the situation. He said No again!!! So I said OK, I'm telling her. I started down the steps and he told me to go to a friends house for a bit. When I got back an hour and a half later she was banging doors and calling me a sleeper and he better not marry me. Then I heard it again: I'm glad you made this decision without me...what am I going to do now."
He came upstairs and the first thing he said was "well, i just have to make this clear this baby will not effect the relationship between me and my mother."
I don't want to rant but this has been a VERY passive aggressive and volatile relationship. His mother has belittled me made fun of me laughed at me when her son was defending her treating me like nuts and I have absolutely had enough. I have moved in with him, out and in again. I feel very much like I am the other woman in this relationship. I recently found out that he was leaving for work at 5 am to go to her house to iron his shirts and pack his lunch. I got extremely
upset with him because he always wants me to be more wifely. She has made so many comments about me not being educated enough, gaining weight and being selfish. In addition she has screamed in my face, physically attacked me while he stood behind her telling me I have no respect for her. Granted, I have never stood there and took it, I have said my fair share of disrespectful things to him and her but he absolutely puts me second to her always. He says I'm sick and delusional for ever even suggesting this and that I am psychotic. After Grandpa died we were in an intimate situation and he said he was worried about his mother being lonely without him. We have our second couples counseling (different counselor because he said the first one didn't know what he was talking about ((he told Steve everything Ive ever said almost verbatim)))). I am at fault for some things in our relationship but I really, truly in my heart am so frustrated and feel like my low boiling point and anger issues have stemmed from this situation. I try to explain to him that I feel like our son and I are accessories in his life. The mother may be controlling and the biggest martyr of all time but I just feel that he is now 29...when do you take responsibility for yourself. He says he cant change the past and I need to get over his mother because its brought up in every argument. I explain to him that his mother can be whoever she wants, its up to him to stand up for me and set boundaries on respect. Clearly, he respects me as much as she does. For a while I seriously was starting to believe that he was enjoying it all. He had me for sex and an ear to listen to him pregnant dog and snore and her to talk about his day, his dreams and how wonderful of a person he is. I have recently moved home with my parents and of course my son is with me. Steve wants me to move back and get an apartment but I am very nervous. I don't want to live near his mother...the space is very important for our family to survive.
She has praised his every move!! He got a DUI and she was ranting about how cops just want to take your money and make your life miserable. I didn't realize it came out until after I said well, the cops weren't driving drunk he was. That's what happens when you get caught you have to pay. Oh, lord...if looks could kill. She defends him always and is always telling him how wonderful he is, blah, blah blah.
I am very hurt and angry and am sick of being told to grow thicker skin and quit playing the victim. Although he says he acknowledges that he maybe should have stuck up for me I am having great difficulty just saying OH, OK then. He says I'm stuck in the past but there are so many instances that he is still not supportive and pushes my feelings to the side. I just feel horrible in this relationship at times but there are so many times I feel so loved. He is very affectionate and is wonderful with our son. How do I get past this? He wants to know what more he could possibly do to prove he loves me but he is repeating the same behavior right now. I got accepted to school (remember I'm an xray tech which is uneducated by their standards) but he now wants to move to Florida (we are in pa). It's the same thing over and over and I don't know how to handle it anymore. please help!
God bless!!
