Post by cat on Feb 10, 2010 19:43:48 GMT -8
Hello everyone. I have been married for a year and a half and my husband and I are always fighting because of his daughter and the way he is with her. Today, I stumbled on a few articles of information about covert incest. Some of the things I found nail my husband's relationship with his daughter on the nose. Others don't, at all. Can someone please help me and tell me if covert incest is happening in my home.
Background info:
When my husband was nine, his father died and his mother became depressed and emotionally cold. Because his mother was neglectful and went on vacations often, leaving her two sons with their 20 year old sister as caregiver, he quickly fell into the wrong crowd. He started smoking at ten, and using harder drugs at 13. From 10 to 21 he lived a life of constant drugs, alcohol, and partying. At 21, he became a husband to his pregnant girlfriend, and a father. 3 years later, his wife took off in the middle of the night with the child. A few months later, he filed for divorce and joint custody of his daughter. He also found out he has epilepsy, went on disability, and got the responsibility of taking care of his ailing mother who had broken her back. 4 years after that, we started dating.
At first, he would never bring his daughter along on our dates. A few times when I suggested that I wanted to get to know her, he would set up a kid friendly date (like mini golf or a family movie). He would always be loving to her, but also constantly yell at her when she misbehaved. 10 months later, summer came around and instead of just getting her on weekends, he would get her for full weeks on end. He started cancelling dates with we, using excuses like his daughter was grounded and he couldn't drop her on anyone else (that's understandable)** Later, I found out that her being grounded means unlimited cuddling with daddy, having unlimited control of what she wants to do or what she wants to watch. When she's grounded, he gives her anything she asks for with the exception of leaving the house.) He also started cancelling dates because his daughter wanted to do something that I didn't and because he has only joint custody, he wanted to spend more time with her before school start (once again, understandable.
And then we got married and the nightmare began.
Problem 1: She was 8 when we got married, and apparently, still slept in the same bed as her father. He expected me to sleep in the same bed with them, with her sleeping in the middle. That made me feel vary uncomfortable and I refused. I tried to convince him that it's unhealthy for a child of that age to sleep with a parent but his excuse was that one of his friends sleeps with his daughter and wife in the same bed, so it must be okay. I still refused to partake in it and asked him how he would feel if someone made him sleep in the same bad with a young boy who wasn't his own. He finally understood my dilemma and started encouraging her to sleep in her own bed. The problem wasn't solved however, because to this day, every time we argue, he throws it in my face that I should let her sleep with us and that I don't. There have been times when my husband would be asleep with his thingy erect and his daughter would jump into bed and start rubbing her face to it. (he's a heavy sleeper and slept right through it, while I kept telling her to stop and trying to push her away, but she refused.) When I told my husband about it later, he chose to completely ignore me. Is this a case of covert incest, or just ignorance?
Problem 2: He keeps giving her credit for his life. As crazy as that sounds, he constantly reminds me that his daughter is the reason why he's alive. Once or twice, he even told me that she is God to him. He constantly tells me that if he had to choose between me and her, he would always choose her because she is the true love of his life. (I have never even implied that he should choose!) He also constantly tells her that she's the love of his life, the apple of his eye, and the only woman for him. He reminds her that it's him and her together, forever. When she's there, I always get ignored. The last few V-Days and Sweetest Days have been spent with them being together and him showering her with attention, while I have been completely ignored. This year, he told me that he's getting her, once again, on Valentine's Day and that he will spend it with her. Worse then that, he becomes vary aggressive whenever she comes over. I hate those weekends not because of her, but because of him. He turns into a monster and yells at me for everything(he's never gotten physical, just vary cruel verbally). I looked at his daughter the wrong way, I said good morning to quietly, I didn't give her a big enough hug. It's the smallest of things that sends him over the edge when she's around. Also, he doesn't just take it out on me, he is also vary cruel to our dog when she's there (normally, he's vary loving to the dog when she's not there). There have been times when he's kicked the dog, tried to suffocate the dog, picked the dog up by his collar and threw him half-way across the house. He doesn't do this when she's not around.
Problem 3: The constant touching. What more can I say. He's constantly kissing her (sometimes, he goes into her room to tuck her in and I can hear them kissing in the the next room. He literally gives her non stop kisses for like 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Once, I even caught him sharing a deep, passionate, french kiss (minus the tongue) with her. Besides kissing, he's always hugging her, he always picks her up and carries her through out the house. While shopping, often he lets her ride in the shopping cart (she's almost 10 now, he he still does that). There have been times when he would playfully hit her on the butt, the way he does with me when she's not around. I allow it because to me it's sexual when he playfully smacks my butt, but I think it's completely wrong when he does it with her and she with him. Often times, they are like glued together, and he seems to act like he's in love with her. I once confronted him about it and he told me that it's normal for parents to hug and kiss there kids, but I think there's a line that should be drawn somewhere. Is it appropriate to share THAT many kisses and hugs? I don't remember my parents kissing me and hugging me at least a hundred times a day. Is this covert incest or am I just over-reacting to their closeness?
Problem 4: All of the problems listed above I believe are covert incest, but this one problem is confusing me. From what I've read, victims of covert incest are emotionally overwhelmed having to deal with their abusive parent's emotions and emotional needs. With my step-daughter, it seems to be the opposite. She is lacking certain human emotions. I have never seen her express guilt or remorse. She has never said "I'm sorry". Even once when she told me that it would be funny if something bad happened to her because then Daddy would kill himself so he could go to Heaven and see her. While telling me this, she laughed and my husband pretended that she never said it. She also doesn't seem to be able to sympathize with people. She never notices if anyone in the house if sick, or not feeling well. My husband and I always fight when she's there because of his lack of discipline and him letting her get away with anything, and his changed personality the instant she walks through the door. Often times, she doesn't seem to notice that we're fighting and often she walks into the room while we're arguing and just starts demanding for attention. She would just run into the room to show off the new hair-style she gave her doll, or the pretty outfit she put on, or to brag that her favorite movie is on. Often times when he dad makes me break down and cry, she doesn't seem to notice it at all. Her grandmother has been in the hospital for a month now, and she just simply doesn't care. She's not acting like a victim of covert incest, does that mean she isn't one? Or is she?
Background info:
When my husband was nine, his father died and his mother became depressed and emotionally cold. Because his mother was neglectful and went on vacations often, leaving her two sons with their 20 year old sister as caregiver, he quickly fell into the wrong crowd. He started smoking at ten, and using harder drugs at 13. From 10 to 21 he lived a life of constant drugs, alcohol, and partying. At 21, he became a husband to his pregnant girlfriend, and a father. 3 years later, his wife took off in the middle of the night with the child. A few months later, he filed for divorce and joint custody of his daughter. He also found out he has epilepsy, went on disability, and got the responsibility of taking care of his ailing mother who had broken her back. 4 years after that, we started dating.
At first, he would never bring his daughter along on our dates. A few times when I suggested that I wanted to get to know her, he would set up a kid friendly date (like mini golf or a family movie). He would always be loving to her, but also constantly yell at her when she misbehaved. 10 months later, summer came around and instead of just getting her on weekends, he would get her for full weeks on end. He started cancelling dates with we, using excuses like his daughter was grounded and he couldn't drop her on anyone else (that's understandable)** Later, I found out that her being grounded means unlimited cuddling with daddy, having unlimited control of what she wants to do or what she wants to watch. When she's grounded, he gives her anything she asks for with the exception of leaving the house.) He also started cancelling dates because his daughter wanted to do something that I didn't and because he has only joint custody, he wanted to spend more time with her before school start (once again, understandable.
And then we got married and the nightmare began.
Problem 1: She was 8 when we got married, and apparently, still slept in the same bed as her father. He expected me to sleep in the same bed with them, with her sleeping in the middle. That made me feel vary uncomfortable and I refused. I tried to convince him that it's unhealthy for a child of that age to sleep with a parent but his excuse was that one of his friends sleeps with his daughter and wife in the same bed, so it must be okay. I still refused to partake in it and asked him how he would feel if someone made him sleep in the same bad with a young boy who wasn't his own. He finally understood my dilemma and started encouraging her to sleep in her own bed. The problem wasn't solved however, because to this day, every time we argue, he throws it in my face that I should let her sleep with us and that I don't. There have been times when my husband would be asleep with his thingy erect and his daughter would jump into bed and start rubbing her face to it. (he's a heavy sleeper and slept right through it, while I kept telling her to stop and trying to push her away, but she refused.) When I told my husband about it later, he chose to completely ignore me. Is this a case of covert incest, or just ignorance?
Problem 2: He keeps giving her credit for his life. As crazy as that sounds, he constantly reminds me that his daughter is the reason why he's alive. Once or twice, he even told me that she is God to him. He constantly tells me that if he had to choose between me and her, he would always choose her because she is the true love of his life. (I have never even implied that he should choose!) He also constantly tells her that she's the love of his life, the apple of his eye, and the only woman for him. He reminds her that it's him and her together, forever. When she's there, I always get ignored. The last few V-Days and Sweetest Days have been spent with them being together and him showering her with attention, while I have been completely ignored. This year, he told me that he's getting her, once again, on Valentine's Day and that he will spend it with her. Worse then that, he becomes vary aggressive whenever she comes over. I hate those weekends not because of her, but because of him. He turns into a monster and yells at me for everything(he's never gotten physical, just vary cruel verbally). I looked at his daughter the wrong way, I said good morning to quietly, I didn't give her a big enough hug. It's the smallest of things that sends him over the edge when she's around. Also, he doesn't just take it out on me, he is also vary cruel to our dog when she's there (normally, he's vary loving to the dog when she's not there). There have been times when he's kicked the dog, tried to suffocate the dog, picked the dog up by his collar and threw him half-way across the house. He doesn't do this when she's not around.
Problem 3: The constant touching. What more can I say. He's constantly kissing her (sometimes, he goes into her room to tuck her in and I can hear them kissing in the the next room. He literally gives her non stop kisses for like 5 to 10 minutes at a time. Once, I even caught him sharing a deep, passionate, french kiss (minus the tongue) with her. Besides kissing, he's always hugging her, he always picks her up and carries her through out the house. While shopping, often he lets her ride in the shopping cart (she's almost 10 now, he he still does that). There have been times when he would playfully hit her on the butt, the way he does with me when she's not around. I allow it because to me it's sexual when he playfully smacks my butt, but I think it's completely wrong when he does it with her and she with him. Often times, they are like glued together, and he seems to act like he's in love with her. I once confronted him about it and he told me that it's normal for parents to hug and kiss there kids, but I think there's a line that should be drawn somewhere. Is it appropriate to share THAT many kisses and hugs? I don't remember my parents kissing me and hugging me at least a hundred times a day. Is this covert incest or am I just over-reacting to their closeness?
Problem 4: All of the problems listed above I believe are covert incest, but this one problem is confusing me. From what I've read, victims of covert incest are emotionally overwhelmed having to deal with their abusive parent's emotions and emotional needs. With my step-daughter, it seems to be the opposite. She is lacking certain human emotions. I have never seen her express guilt or remorse. She has never said "I'm sorry". Even once when she told me that it would be funny if something bad happened to her because then Daddy would kill himself so he could go to Heaven and see her. While telling me this, she laughed and my husband pretended that she never said it. She also doesn't seem to be able to sympathize with people. She never notices if anyone in the house if sick, or not feeling well. My husband and I always fight when she's there because of his lack of discipline and him letting her get away with anything, and his changed personality the instant she walks through the door. Often times, she doesn't seem to notice that we're fighting and often she walks into the room while we're arguing and just starts demanding for attention. She would just run into the room to show off the new hair-style she gave her doll, or the pretty outfit she put on, or to brag that her favorite movie is on. Often times when he dad makes me break down and cry, she doesn't seem to notice it at all. Her grandmother has been in the hospital for a month now, and she just simply doesn't care. She's not acting like a victim of covert incest, does that mean she isn't one? Or is she?