Post by outis on Nov 25, 2009 20:15:24 GMT -8
Hello everyone, I am so glad I found this site. There are so few places to find any information and I hope I can get some opinions. My boyfriend was in what seems to be a distant/loveless marriage. He became a stay-at-home dad when his wife decided she would rather work, so he decided to stay home and raise their daughter. He is very devoted to her, moreso because he comes from an abusive family and had a horrible childhood, so he wants the very best for her. They are each other's whole world, and apparently, when the mother was in the home, the daughter did not look to her for any parenting at all, she only wanted her daddy. They do everything together, and he, being the primary parent, does all her activities with her after school and on weekends.
I admire him very much for wanting to be a great parent, but lately, there have been some signs that make me uncomfortable. The biggest being that she is 7 and he wakes up an hour early to 'rest' in bed with her. They intertwine and hug. He sees this as a nice way of waking her up, but couldn't this lead to deeper troubles later on such as some of the stories I've read of adult children sleeping in their parent's bed? There are other things too, such as he still helps her wash her hair in the shower, which he sees as an extension of normal parenting and most likely is, but when should a little girl be able to be independent with private things?
I tried to point out in the nicest way that perhaps his need for such intimacy with his daughter is due to the loneliness he felt in his marriage, but he became very offended and said he was just being the best parent he could be. He doesn't want to make a big deal of setting boundaries because he doesn't want her to become aware too early of the separation of men and women or any sexualizing. He says he wants her to let him know when she feels grown up enough to break away, but shouldn't he be setting the boundaries? He also feels like as the primary parent, he has to cross some traditional borders and that other people don't understand, that a father can do the same things as a mother and it shouldn't be seen as incestuous. Am I way off base here? I'm worried because it seems like these behaviors could lead to bigger troubles in the future, and I've read the horror stories of fathers snuggling with teenage daughters on the couch and to put it mildly I don't think I could deal with that.
Any comments or suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.
I admire him very much for wanting to be a great parent, but lately, there have been some signs that make me uncomfortable. The biggest being that she is 7 and he wakes up an hour early to 'rest' in bed with her. They intertwine and hug. He sees this as a nice way of waking her up, but couldn't this lead to deeper troubles later on such as some of the stories I've read of adult children sleeping in their parent's bed? There are other things too, such as he still helps her wash her hair in the shower, which he sees as an extension of normal parenting and most likely is, but when should a little girl be able to be independent with private things?
I tried to point out in the nicest way that perhaps his need for such intimacy with his daughter is due to the loneliness he felt in his marriage, but he became very offended and said he was just being the best parent he could be. He doesn't want to make a big deal of setting boundaries because he doesn't want her to become aware too early of the separation of men and women or any sexualizing. He says he wants her to let him know when she feels grown up enough to break away, but shouldn't he be setting the boundaries? He also feels like as the primary parent, he has to cross some traditional borders and that other people don't understand, that a father can do the same things as a mother and it shouldn't be seen as incestuous. Am I way off base here? I'm worried because it seems like these behaviors could lead to bigger troubles in the future, and I've read the horror stories of fathers snuggling with teenage daughters on the couch and to put it mildly I don't think I could deal with that.
Any comments or suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.
