Post by zinigirl on Oct 12, 2009 14:48:27 GMT -8
I am glad I found this site, though there is still little information for partners here on the web about the effects of a new partner/wife when daughters have been emotionally incested by their father.
I have been in a relationship with a man whom I am convinced has an ongoing emotionally incestuous relationship with both of his adult daughters. We did marry about 1.5 years ago, though because of his and his daughter’s interference in our relationship, I separated from him long ago. They refuse to meet me, even now, yet have an ongoing relationship with their mother’s new partner. The daughters have even demanded that he chose between them and me (there’s a clue!!)
When I realized early on that something, (the gut instinct), was terribly wrong, I set boundaries with him, I said choose me, take a break from them, and he agreed. He agreed that insisting that they meet me was causing some trouble, so he agreed to step back. The crazymaking all three of them engaged in was driving a huge wedge between he and I. They only wanted to see him if I wasn’t there. I told him that was unacceptable, that I wouldn’t be excluded and treated with such disrespect. My own grown daughters were happy to meet him and engage with him. He told the daughters he was going to take a break for a little while and concentrate on our relationship. They accused him of abandoning them. (Another clue!!) He then literally “cheated” on me with them, going behind my back to maintain contact while lying to me that he was not having contact for nearly a year. He WAS having an affair, with his two daughters. There were clandestine dinners and conversations, on his business card that I found and confronted him about. It's one of the ways I knew he was lying. He told them that he would not have a relationship with them and exclude me from it, that our relationship came first, yet that is exactly what he did. Since they refuse to meet me, there was no chance to even see if we could work through this.
It feels all too “icky”. He and his former wife were married for 30 years and he reports it was deeply unsatisfying and unfulfilling for most of the marriage, they married because they got pregnant. He also had an affair with a much younger woman during the prior marriage. It has occurred to me over time that it might be emotional incest, but after some research I am convinced that he substituted his “close” relationship with his daughters for his relationship with their mother.
When I filed for divorce, he finally stepped up and has not had contact for 4 months. (Or at least he says so) Just three weeks ago I brought up the subject again, and he denied, of course, that it could be covert incest…I think he cannot stand the thought of being capable of such a thing.
Yesterday, it hit me like a tons of bricks that the emotional incest issue with his daughters is the very root of our troubles, and always have been. I feel like I have wasted so much time and effort here. The blessing here I realize now, I used to joke that I married my mother, is that is EXACTLTY what I did! My own mother emotionally incested me as a child. I am gratefully, yet painfully aware, that there is another layer of healing here for me to address , process and heal from. I believe his own mother emotionally incested him as well.
Fortunately we do not live together, though married, I gave him the six months I have to complete filing the final divorce paperwork, due December 2009, to get the help he needs to deal with this. He has been living in another state for work and moved just this week to another town permanently 250 miles away for a new job. There is a blessing in this as well.
They are his daughters, this will not go away, there will be contact at some point. Deep down I know that I cannot compete and I don’t have any confidence in his ability to deal with these issues. I have told him I believe it is emotional incest, though I don’t really think he believes it. Really, it’s no win situation…I get it. Although I know this a just a brief outline of the situation, I just wanted to write for an opinion and support. I have ordered some recommended books and I am doing counseling for my own benefit regarding this. Thanks for your time, it gives me hope that I am not crazy….Thanks. I would appreciate any feedback!
I have been in a relationship with a man whom I am convinced has an ongoing emotionally incestuous relationship with both of his adult daughters. We did marry about 1.5 years ago, though because of his and his daughter’s interference in our relationship, I separated from him long ago. They refuse to meet me, even now, yet have an ongoing relationship with their mother’s new partner. The daughters have even demanded that he chose between them and me (there’s a clue!!)
When I realized early on that something, (the gut instinct), was terribly wrong, I set boundaries with him, I said choose me, take a break from them, and he agreed. He agreed that insisting that they meet me was causing some trouble, so he agreed to step back. The crazymaking all three of them engaged in was driving a huge wedge between he and I. They only wanted to see him if I wasn’t there. I told him that was unacceptable, that I wouldn’t be excluded and treated with such disrespect. My own grown daughters were happy to meet him and engage with him. He told the daughters he was going to take a break for a little while and concentrate on our relationship. They accused him of abandoning them. (Another clue!!) He then literally “cheated” on me with them, going behind my back to maintain contact while lying to me that he was not having contact for nearly a year. He WAS having an affair, with his two daughters. There were clandestine dinners and conversations, on his business card that I found and confronted him about. It's one of the ways I knew he was lying. He told them that he would not have a relationship with them and exclude me from it, that our relationship came first, yet that is exactly what he did. Since they refuse to meet me, there was no chance to even see if we could work through this.
It feels all too “icky”. He and his former wife were married for 30 years and he reports it was deeply unsatisfying and unfulfilling for most of the marriage, they married because they got pregnant. He also had an affair with a much younger woman during the prior marriage. It has occurred to me over time that it might be emotional incest, but after some research I am convinced that he substituted his “close” relationship with his daughters for his relationship with their mother.
When I filed for divorce, he finally stepped up and has not had contact for 4 months. (Or at least he says so) Just three weeks ago I brought up the subject again, and he denied, of course, that it could be covert incest…I think he cannot stand the thought of being capable of such a thing.
Yesterday, it hit me like a tons of bricks that the emotional incest issue with his daughters is the very root of our troubles, and always have been. I feel like I have wasted so much time and effort here. The blessing here I realize now, I used to joke that I married my mother, is that is EXACTLTY what I did! My own mother emotionally incested me as a child. I am gratefully, yet painfully aware, that there is another layer of healing here for me to address , process and heal from. I believe his own mother emotionally incested him as well.
Fortunately we do not live together, though married, I gave him the six months I have to complete filing the final divorce paperwork, due December 2009, to get the help he needs to deal with this. He has been living in another state for work and moved just this week to another town permanently 250 miles away for a new job. There is a blessing in this as well.
They are his daughters, this will not go away, there will be contact at some point. Deep down I know that I cannot compete and I don’t have any confidence in his ability to deal with these issues. I have told him I believe it is emotional incest, though I don’t really think he believes it. Really, it’s no win situation…I get it. Although I know this a just a brief outline of the situation, I just wanted to write for an opinion and support. I have ordered some recommended books and I am doing counseling for my own benefit regarding this. Thanks for your time, it gives me hope that I am not crazy….Thanks. I would appreciate any feedback!