How to know when to give up Sept 30, 2009 19:38:36 GMT -8
Post by tired on Sept 30, 2009 19:38:36 GMT -8
I am glad I found this site. The last 9 years have been so incredibly confusing, frustrating, and just plain draining. Reading about CI online and finding this site have finally allowed me to put a name to what I have been going through with my fiance all these years (we've been engaged for 7 yrs but I just haven't been able to go through with actual marriage). I don't even know where to begin but for a quick summary my fiances mother has placed all responsibility of her happiness on him since childhood. She and his father are still married however he is emotionally checked out. She of course always calls to let him know that his father is a terrible husband and that only he listens to her, etc..His mother also most chararistics of Borderline Personality Disorder. From the begining of our relationship certain things definitely did not feel right (no boundaries with mom, lack of sexual intimacy, narcisstic behaviour). After a few years I was able to convince him to go to couples therapy with me. We are now on therapist #3. In some way things have gotten better, he acknowledges he needs to set boundaries with his mother and says he really thinks with this therapist he has finally started to be open and work on healing. The thing is he has been going to this therapist the past 2 yrs (not to mention the 2 therapists we went to before that). I have only recently started going with him to this therapist (he wanted to do therapy alone for a while but now we are moving to a different state so therapist thought we should have some together before we leave). I am planning on bringing up CI in our session on Friday, but has not yet been mentioned. Although things are maybe slightly better, I just don't know how much longer I can stay and try and work on this. I keep expecting some moment of clarity where enough is enough. I know I have a lot of built up resentment but I am also scared that things won't change. He gets angry that I don't see how hard he has worked to change. I have definitely made some bad choices along the way (sold my house and quit my job to move with him 5 yrs ago, now will be moving with him again, all finances, property etc now in his name, did not enforce strong enough boundaries, did not listen to gut instincts enough and have fallen for many lies...). Anyway, I am just wondering if anyone has advice on how to know whether things are going to get better or whether it is time to get out. BTW we do not have any children, he has wanted to for a while now (his mother demands grandkids). I am 35 and have always wanted children (the clock is about to explode) but I really don't think it would be fair to bring a child into this dysfunctional relationship. Well I am kind of rambling but any advice is welcomed. Thanks!