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Dec 28, 2009, 5:52am

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Topic: My mother in law is the other woman. (Read 102 times)

brigittassen
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My mother in law is the other woman.
« Thread Started on Jun 10, 2009, 5:57pm »

I have been married for two years, and have a beautiful baby boy. My husband is the sweetest tenderest most selfless man...

and his family is worse than the mafia. They do you a favor, you owe them the rest of your life. The only reason they're worse than the mafia is that there isn't enough money and cool Brooklyn accents to go with the bad attitudes.

He was raised to believe that his family is his life, and you do all in service to it. On top of that, his mother used both of her sons as surrogate husbands.

There was no actual physical sex (not even kissing) but he was invited to share her bed when he was deeply depressed at nineteen. His brother has it MUCH worse. Right now, my DH struggles with hating her, not wanting a relationship with her, and playing right into her manipulative traps.

Any other time, he is the sweetest most wonderful man. A good husband, a good father, pretty healthy in the sexual arena (meaning mental health) believe me, I know. I had a sex addiction, so I would notice.

But when his mother calls? He loses all semblance of logic and reason, and begins ranting back at her, and she just loves it. They play this awful game where she paints herself as Saint and Martyr all for him, and he tries to tear her down. Then she gets to say what an awful son he is. It's so twisted.

And this isn't some new thing, he's always tried to do this to her when she gets manipulative. It's like he's fifteen again. (there is so much more than this. She kept him sick for years- she told his doctors he was depressed and got them to write prescriptions for psych drugs that wrecked him so bad he spent years in and out of psych wards. the worst of which was the year she invited him to sleep in her bed. Her other son has deified her.)

We've talked about it, but on this issue, my husband will not budge- I have talked to him in every way I know how. He forgets everything I said- I like to try and recap any discussion with one person saying back to the other what they talked about. He honestly can't tell me. He guesses.

I need to know how to love him, and how to continue with this. He does not see what I do, which I've noticed among these threads. They just don't see it, do they?

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amazed
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Re: My mother in law is the other woman.
« Reply #1 on Jun 10, 2009, 10:19pm »

No, they don't, or they refuse to.

My husband was hateful to me when he was under his mother's control. Now that we are away, I've asked him, "How could you be so nice and so awful when we lived there" and he just doesn't have an answer.

It is definitely some sort of mind control. And remember, they have known this sort of behavior since they were born. They think it is normal.

Sometimes he would look at me like I was the nut.

It wasn't until we moved away that he started to see other families, other husbands, and realized that they way he was brought up was sick.

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brigittassen
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Re: My mother in law is the other woman.
« Reply #2 on Jun 11, 2009, 12:32pm »

he's begun reading some articles on this website, so things are getting better. He's always known it was a terrible childhood, but he hasn't grieved- he's been stuck in angry mode without realizing there's another step. I'm reading alot of books to help myself the position I'm in, and also the position he's in.

Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, Codependent No more, and so far, my favorite: When Difficult Relatives Happen To Good People by Felder.

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amazed
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Re: My mother in law is the other woman.
« Reply #3 on Jun 14, 2009, 5:35pm »

Jun 11, 2009, 12:32pm, brigittassen wrote:

I've read Co-dependent No More and it is great. I will check out the others. Thanks!

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brigittassen
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Re: My mother in law is the other woman.
« Reply #4 on Jun 17, 2009, 8:50am »

Another book:

the Emotional Incest Syndrome by Patricia Love. Very thorough.

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sandrago
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Re: My mother in law is the other woman.
« Reply #5 on Sept 17, 2009, 11:41pm »

no they dont see and after reading many articles and websites there are really only 2 choices...stay and accept second best or walk away. Its sad that they are so brainwashed they would throw their future away on something that shouldnt be an issue

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amazed
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Re: My mother in law is the other woman.
« Reply #6 on Sept 28, 2009, 8:33am »

And it's sad if we throw our future away by staying with them.

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brigittassen
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Re: My mother in law is the other woman.
« Reply #7 on Oct 30, 2009, 6:01pm »

Well here's the update- my beautiful wonderful husband has cut the umbilical cord, and is growing calmer and calmer in the face of his family's idiotic requests. He's been picking his battles and fighting them on my and our son's behalf. The more he thought about what it would be like for our son if he stayed this attatched, the more he decided it was worth it to change.

Free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last.

ha ha ha.

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