Re: Are these the warning signs? BF and Daughter « Result #1 on Dec 5, 2009, 4:30am »
Thank you so much for your reply. I have tried to speak with him but didn't get very far. It has created some problems between us that I don't know how to improve. I am reading Emotional Incest and wish I could send it to him without offending him, but am sure the the word "incest" will send off alarm bells.
And you are absolutely right, while reading the book, I found a new sympathy for his wife. It could be that their closeness pushed her further away. She was the classic Shadow Parent. I'm trying to be objective while negotiating the situation. It's very touchy as many here well know. I didn't know at all about this issue until I encountered it. But I see it in so many families now, as what is seen as devotional parenting is crossing boundaries that can lead to the opposite of the intended effect.
Re: Are these the warning signs? BF and Daughter « Result #2 on Dec 3, 2009, 4:12pm »
I'm not a professional. I am the mother of a nine-year-old daughter.
There is no way that I would allow my husband to cuddle in bed with my daughter every morning for a hour. Nope. There is something wrong there.
I will admit that until she was about 8 he helped wash her hair. And that was probably a little too long. She has issues with getting soap in her hair and I have to wash it in the sink for her, though.
Anyway, the problem is the child is not yours. Still, I would voice my opinion and say that I will not stand for that. It is worth it for the sake of the child. I would give it a shot.
Also, be careful of your attitude towards the child's mother. All you know is his side. She may not be as neglectful as you think and you may need to speak with her, down the road.
Are these the warning signs? BF and Daughter « Result #3 on Nov 25, 2009, 11:15pm »
Hello everyone, I am so glad I found this site. There are so few places to find any information and I hope I can get some opinions. My boyfriend was in what seems to be a distant/loveless marriage. He became a stay-at-home dad when his wife decided she would rather work, so he decided to stay home and raise their daughter. He is very devoted to her, moreso because he comes from an abusive family and had a horrible childhood, so he wants the very best for her. They are each other's whole world, and apparently, when the mother was in the home, the daughter did not look to her for any parenting at all, she only wanted her daddy. They do everything together, and he, being the primary parent, does all her activities with her after school and on weekends.
I admire him very much for wanting to be a great parent, but lately, there have been some signs that make me uncomfortable. The biggest being that she is 7 and he wakes up an hour early to 'rest' in bed with her. They intertwine and hug. He sees this as a nice way of waking her up, but couldn't this lead to deeper troubles later on such as some of the stories I've read of adult children sleeping in their parent's bed? There are other things too, such as he still helps her wash her hair in the shower, which he sees as an extension of normal parenting and most likely is, but when should a little girl be able to be independent with private things?
I tried to point out in the nicest way that perhaps his need for such intimacy with his daughter is due to the loneliness he felt in his marriage, but he became very offended and said he was just being the best parent he could be. He doesn't want to make a big deal of setting boundaries because he doesn't want her to become aware too early of the separation of men and women or any sexualizing. He says he wants her to let him know when she feels grown up enough to break away, but shouldn't he be setting the boundaries? He also feels like as the primary parent, he has to cross some traditional borders and that other people don't understand, that a father can do the same things as a mother and it shouldn't be seen as incestuous. Am I way off base here? I'm worried because it seems like these behaviors could lead to bigger troubles in the future, and I've read the horror stories of fathers snuggling with teenage daughters on the couch and to put it mildly I don't think I could deal with that.
Any comments or suggestions you may have would be greatly appreciated.
Re: My mother in law is the other woman. « Result #4 on Oct 30, 2009, 6:01pm »
Well here's the update- my beautiful wonderful husband has cut the umbilical cord, and is growing calmer and calmer in the face of his family's idiotic requests. He's been picking his battles and fighting them on my and our son's behalf. The more he thought about what it would be like for our son if he stayed this attatched, the more he decided it was worth it to change.
Free at last, thank God almighty, I'm free at last.
Re: New relationship - what should I do? ??? « Result #6 on Oct 28, 2009, 6:55pm »
It really depends. My husband was Mother enmeshed until just a few months ago- the thing is, he actually wanted to change. Try When He's Married to Mom- unsure of the author. Her moving away might free him up considerably, but her disapproval will always be in his head. He will have to decide, and until he does, it's gonna be a bumpy road.
As great as it was in the beginning, his romanticism might be tied to his relationship with his mom- being extra considerate and sweet and placating because that's what he was taught, not out a healthy teaching, but out of a controlling one. ( I am so guessing here.)
So it really is up to you. Do you want to be involved with that kinnd of work? and will it be worth it? It is for me and my husband- because once he decided, he set to work changing the unhealthy aspects of our relationship and his and his mother's relationship. Of course, she hates me for it. ha ha.
Re: Partner of Father/2 Daughter Emo-Incest « Result #7 on Oct 28, 2009, 6:50pm »
I certainly can relate! The process of emotional incest replays itself with every generation unless someone chooses to stop it- and doing that is incredibly hard. Confronting someone who you believe is the perpetrator of emotional incest is nearly impossible- there's some good reading out there, and i highly recommend that you start reading. As a child of an emotionally incestuous mother ( who is also a narcissist, big surprise there...) I understand how awful it is to finally name what happened to you, and as the wife of a man who was once enmeshed wiht his mother, I get that, too. The sense of futility is the worst for me- to know that it is up to the person to decide, and to start that process for themselves. Perhaps avoiding the word "incest" might help- use the definition instead- using your children for emotional support. That seems to help for me.
Glad to see you here, and I wish you the best. ( of course I do wish that being here wasn't necessary...oh well. Better to hurt and heal then never heal at all, right?)
New relationship - what should I do? ??? « Result #8 on Oct 25, 2009, 1:12pm »
I've known my boyfriend for almost two years but we got together about 3 months ago. We got to know each other as friends before anything romantic happened. He's about ten years older than me.
Things were fantastic at first. He really swept me off my feet - surprised me by saying that he wanted to marry me within the first week. He was very romantic and wanted to talk to me all the time, sending romantic messages, phoning and seeing me constantly.
He has always lived with his mum. His relationship with his mother took on more and more significance - he wouldn't stay a whole night with me in case she found out (she has "traditional values", apparently), he was very, very worried about introducing me to her in case she was nasty to me, he isn't happy about spending time with me at the weekend in case she finds out (unless she is there), he won't have closed doors in the house he shares with her while I'm there.
He stopped being romantic very suddenly about a month ago. Now he only sends me a message once a day and he is reluctant to talk on the phone. I'm not sure why - he won't talk about it. One good thing is that his mother is moving away in the next month or so. Should I wait and see what happens or just cut my losses?
Re: How to know when to give up « Result #10 on Oct 22, 2009, 9:03pm »
You decide what you will no longer tolerate. You let him know. If he does not meet these demands then you walk away. The only things that happen to us are things that we let happen to us.
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ha ha.
